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250 Inspirational Crucial Conversations Quotes By Kerry Paterson

1. “How can we possibly act curious when others are either attacking us or heading for cover? People who routinely seek to find out why others are feeling unsafe do so because they have learned that getting at the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue. Either they’ve seen others do it or they’ve stumbled on the formula themselves. Either way, they realize that the cure to silence or violence isn’t to respond in kind, but to get at the underlying source. This calls for genuine curiosity—at a time when you’re likely to be feeling frustrated or angry.”


2. “Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.” When.”


3. “What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don’t try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?”


4. “In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations.”


5. “I have become more aware of (1) how true emotions can feel during crucial moments, and (2) how false they really are.”


6. “Success and failure are pretty much similar if you ask me. We can enjoy the success all we want but raise the difficulty a little bit and see we are no longer successful.”


7. “These misunderstandings will create more questions. Those questions, when left unanswered, will give rise to more misunderstandings.”


8. “this is the first principle of dialogue—Start with Heart. That is, your own heart. If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll have a hard time getting dialogue right.”


9. “avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?” It’s interesting to watch what happens when people are presented with and questions after being stuck with Fool’s Choices. Their faces become reflective, their eyes open wider, and they begin to think. With surprising regularity, when people are asked: “Is it possible that there’s a way to accomplish both?” they acknowledge that there very well may be.”


10. “Change Tactic: Changing persistent and resistant habits always involves learning new skills.”


11. “Skilled people ensure the ideas of all participants are respected even if they turn out to be controversial.”


12. “Storytelling typically happens blindly fast. When we believe we're at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don't even know that we're doing it.”


13. “Remember, to know and not to do is really not to know.”


14. “You can talk about results all you want, but they remain nothing more than ideas until you decide exactly how you’re going to measure them.”


15. “If you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don’t try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game playing an attractive and sensible option?”


16. And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”


17. “who routinely hit 70 percent or more of their free throws tend to practice differently from those who hit 55 percent or fewer. How? Better shooters set technique-oriented goals such as, “Keep the elbow in,” or, “Follow through.” Players who shoot 55 percent and under tend to think more about results-oriented goals such as, “This time I’m going to make 10 in a row.”


18. “The average human being is actually quite bad at predicting what he or she should do in order to be happier, and this inability to predict keeps people from, well, being happier.”


19. “Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?”


20. I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common. —OUIDA


21. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW What


22. “But Good and bad is a relative concept. Something is bad only if we feel or think that is bad. It is that simple.”


23. “look vigilantly for one or two actions that create a cascade of change.”


24. “we do know one thing for certain: Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.”


25. “And the first step to do that is to achieve clarity. We need to be clear about what we do not want at the beginning itself, or it will bite us later.”


26. “The world has set distinct rules or perhaps regulations for deciding what is good and what is bad.”


27. “So, what’s the first step to changing norms? It’s breaking the code of silence around the problem that always sustains the status quo.”


28. “For a relationship to be perfect, we need to be clear about what we want and what we expect from the relationship. There should be no confusion or second thoughts.”


29. “essential to verbalize your good intent. In face-to-face conversation,”


30. “It’s interesting to watch what happens when people are presented with and questions after being stuck with Fool’s Choices.”


31. “The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We”


32. “What do you mean I can’t stay out past midnight? Don’t you trust me?” your teenage son inquires.


33. “Maybe we honor the abusive style of so many coaches and other public figures because their public actions lend credibility to our own private outbursts.”


34. “The next two sources of influence that routinely act on you are equally easy to spot. The people who surround you both motivate and enable your habits.”


35. “There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus. These four options represent increasing degrees of involvement.”


36. “This book is an apt response to the wisdom of the great historian Arnold Toynbee, who said that you can pretty well summarize all of history – not only of society, but of institutions and of people – in four words: Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works – it fails; thus, nothing fails like success. The.”


37. “Find your bearings. There are two good reasons for asking these questions. First, the answer to what we really want helps us to locate our own North Star. Despite the fact that we’re being tempted to take the wrong path by (1) people who are trying to pick a fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hard wiring that brings our emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of trying to win, our North Star returns us to our original purpose. “What do I really want? Oh yeah, I guess it’s not to make the other person squirm or to preen in front of a crowd. I want people to freely and openly talk about what it’ll take to cut costs.” Take charge of your body. The second reason for asking what we really want is no less important. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight. Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.”


38. “An apology is a way of expressing our sorrow for another’s a misfortune, not pity. To apologize, we need to empathize, not sympathize.”


39. “As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.” ― Kerry Patterson


40. “When we first trained people to deal with ability problems, it all seemed so simple. You ask others for their ideas, you get to hear their best thoughts, and they feel empowered. What could be easier? Who could possibly mess this up? As it turns out, there are several ways to go wrong. Here are the top three things not to do.”


41. “At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information.”


42. “Changes are necessary. Every author will emphasize that. Change is the only constant in our world.”


43. “Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.”


44. “As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape – with any degree of success – is the person in the mirror.”


45. “Influencers use four tactics to help people love what they hate: 1. Allow for choice. 2. Create direct experiences. 3. Tell meaningful stories. 4. Make it a game.”


46. “One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become.”


47. “I believe that the measure of my soul is my capacity to love imperfect people.”


48. “An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.”


49. “Truth is bitter, is another proverb we hear a lot. Most of the time, we have two options, tell the truth or make a friend.”


50. most professionals progress until they reach an acceptable level, and then they plateau. Software engineers, for instance, usually stop progressing somewhere around five years after entering the workforce. Beyond this level of mediocrity, further improvements are not correlated to years of work in the field.


51. “First component is the information. Every conversation needs information to be successful.”


52. “BUT WILL IT WORK FOR ME? After decades of tireless research, we have now identified about two-dozen accountability skills that, when used at the right time and delivered in the right fashion, separated positive deviants from everyone else. The questions remaining were (1) when taught, would people actually use the skills, and (2) if they did, would doing so yield better results?”


53. “The second component is the free flow. We need a continuous flow of information to keep the conversation going.”


54. “Habla cuando estés furioso y harás el mejor discurso que tengas que lamentar.”


55. “People often assume that trust is something you have or don’t have. Either you trust someone or you don’t. That puts too much pressure on trust.


56. “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”


57. “We should never be silent regarding things that matter. Once we become silent even regarding things that matter to us, we are as good as dead.”


58. “It’s important to understand that Contrasting is not apologizing. It is not a way of taking back something we’ve said that hurt others’ feelings. Rather, it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn’t hurt more than it should have.”


59. “In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing others’ behavior, we”


60. “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?”


61. “As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool).”


62. The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. —WILLIAM JAMES What


63. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW”


64. “Inspiration, teachings, and guidelines promote a change but won’t bring about a change. The only one who can bring change in oneself.”


65. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.


66. “Many willingly suppress their emotions for various reasons. Some may conceal or conveniently forget the pat while others do that just to look tough.”


67. “It is always the most talented who try to keep polishing their skills. Interaction is a skill that requires regular practice, or you lose the desired fluency.”


68. “If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response of “fight or flight,” and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile. We say and do dim-witted things.”


69. “When you’ve gone to silence and are trying way too hard to convince yourself that you’ve done the right thing, you might want to examine whether you are intentionally minimizing the cost of not speaking up and exaggerating the risks of doing so.”


70. “if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don’t try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game playing an attractive and sensible option? “What I don’t want is to have a useless and heated conversation that creates bad feelings and doesn’t lead to change.” Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence. “How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable and”


71. “You know what, try taking once. You’ll save the relationship and prevent your loved one from leaving you.”


72. “We can avoid them. • We can face them and handle them poorly. • We can face them and handle them well.”


73. “We’re so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation”


74. “most professionals progress until they reach an “acceptable” level, and then they plateau. Software engineers, for instance, usually stop progressing somewhere around five years after entering the workforce. Beyond this level of mediocrity, further improvements are not correlated to years of work in the field.”


75. “At the end of the day, what qualifies people to be called “leaders” is their capacity to influence others to change their behavior in order to achieve important results.”


76. So, start every change project with a clear and compelling statement of the goal you’re trying to achieve. Measure your progress. Don’t leave it to intuition or hunches. Measure your measures by the behavior they influence. And finally, measure the right thing, and measure it frequently.


77. “The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. —WILLIAM JAMES What”


78. “Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn’t handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up. Of course, since you’re not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. “Another late night, huh? I’ve got Facebook friends I see more often.” Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.”


79. “So, start every change project with a clear and compelling statement of the goal you’re trying to achieve. Measure your progress. Don’t leave it to intuition or hunches. Measure your measures by the behavior they influence. And finally, measure the right thing, and measure it frequently.”


80. “Change Tactic: If you interrupt your impulses by connecting with your goals during crucial moments, you can greatly improve your chances of success.”


81. “Instead of getting hooked and fighting back, break the cycle. See their aggressive behavior for what it is – a sign of violated safety – then step out of the conversation, build safety, and step back into the content.”


82. “An apology is the best way to mend relationships. At least it provides the much-required start.”


83. “Skilled people always have a method to get the information they need, even if the related matter is emotional or confidential.”


84. “Changing deeply entrenched habits invariably requires help, information, and real support from others. Get a coach, and you’ll make change far more likely.”


85. “people who climb to the top of just about any field eclipse their peers through something as basic as deliberate practice.”


86. “At this point, you could be tempted to water down your content—“You know it’s really not that big a deal.” Don’t give into the temptation. Don’t take back what you’ve said. Instead, put your remarks in context. For instance, at this point your assistant may believe you are completely dissatisfied with his performance. He believes that your view of the issue at hand represents the totality of your respect for him. If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify what you don’t and do believe. Start with what you don’t believe. “Let me put this in perspective. I don’t want you to think I’m not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to continue working together. I really do think you’re doing a good job. This punctuality issue is important to me, and I’d just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive to that, there are no other issues.”


87. “When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view.”


88. “When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make it Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.” “Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.”


89. “Second, clarify what you really don’t want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe.”


90. “The average human being is actually quite bad at predicting what he or she should do in order to be happier, and this inability to predict keeps people from, well, being happier. In fact, psychologist Daniel Gilbert has made a career out of demonstrating that human beings are downright awful at predicting their own likes and dislikes. For example, most research subjects strongly believe that another $30,000 a year in income would make them much happier. And they feel equally strongly that adding a 30-minute walk to their daily routine would be of trivial import. And yet Dr. Gilbert’s research suggests that the added income is far less likely to produce an increase in happiness than the addition of a regular walk.”


91. I have become more aware of (1) how true emotions can feel during crucial moments, and (2) how false they really are.


92. “So be patient when exploring how others think and feel. Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you've created.”


93. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.


94. “Skilled people never flinch during group interactions. They control the flow and make sure they include every participant.”


95. “Patiently listening not only proves we respect other’s views, but it will indirectly increase our persuasion power also.”


96. “Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.”


97. “Step out of the content of the struggle and make it safe. Simply say, "It seems like we're both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us." Then watch whether safety takes a turn for the better.”


98. “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them.”


99. “Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you’re talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you’re not ready; you think you are. Second, stakes are high. You’re in a meeting with four coworkers and you’re trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You’ve got to do something different or your company isn’t going to hit its annual goals. Third, emotions run strong.”


100. “Change Tactic: Bad habits are almost always a social disease – if those around us model and encourage them, we’ll almost always fall prey.”


101. “Every time you try to convince others through verbal persuasion, you suffer from your inability to select and share language in a way that reproduces in the mind of the listener exactly the same thoughts you are having. You say your words, but others hear their words, which in turn stimulate their images, their past histories, and their overall meaning – all of which may be very different from what you intended.”


102. “You can predict with nearly 90 percent accuracy which projects will fail—months or years in advance. And now back to our premise. The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold five specific crucial conversations. For example, could they speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic? Or did they go silent when a cross-functional team member began sloughing off? Or even more tricky—what should they do when an executive failed to provide leadership for the effort?”


103. As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.


104. “Start with a situation where you observe someone becoming emotional and you’re still under control—such as a meeting (when you’re not personally under attack and are less likely to get hooked). Do your best to get at the person’s source of fear or anger.”


105. “The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age.”


106. You can predict with nearly 90 percent accuracy which projects will fail—months or years in advance. And now back to our premise. The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold five specific crucial conversations. For example, could they speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic? Or did they go silent when a cross-functional team member began sloughing off? Or even more tricky—what should they do when an executive failed to provide leadership for the effort?


107. “Rather than move to compromise or fight for her way, Yvonne will step out of the issue and CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose.”


108. “3. Learn the Will Skill. Many people believe that fitness and exercise are all about willpower—whether you have it or not. Will is important, but people forget that willpower is a skill with its own rules and tricks to practice. For example, recent research shows that if people can distract their attention for just a few minutes, they can suppress negative urges and make better decisions.8 Sharman W. used this idea to help her avoid cheating on her diet. She listed the ten reasons she wanted to lose weight and created the following rule: She could cheat on her diet, but only after reading her list and calling her sister. This extra step introduced a delay and brought in social support from her sister. Other strategies our Changers use include taking short walks, repeating poems they have memorized, and drinking a glass of water. The key is to be aware of the impulse and to focus on something different until the impulse goes away.”


109. “Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.”


110. “when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.”


111. “It’s the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills. As is often the case, the rich get richer.”


112. “When we first trained people to deal with ability problems, it all seemed so simple. You ask others for their ideas, you get to hear their best thoughts, and they feel empowered. What could be easier?”


113. “Listening is the most effective way to achieve good communication. We need to be patient listeners.


114. “whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction”


115. “Nuestras vidas empiezan a acabarse el día en que guardamos silencio sobre las cosas importantes MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR”


116. “Now, for a change to be implemented, we don’t need calculated steps planned beforehand. No, we need people ready to take responsibility for the change.”


117. “If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn't want to dialogue, you won't get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offence, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.”


118. Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”


119. “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.”


120. “Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to share every objective or respect every element of another person’s character before we could talk. If this were the case, we’d all be mute. However, we can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person’s basic humanity. In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing others’ behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them. A rather clever person once hinted how to do this in the form of a prayer—“Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.” When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others. When we do this, we feel a kinship or mutuality between ourselves and even the thorniest of people. This sense of kinship and connection to others helps create Mutual Respect and eventually enables us to stay in dialogue with virtually anyone.”


121. “When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.”


122. “When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question.”


123. “Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts…change the stories you tell yourself.”


124. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ”


125. “When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.”


126. “If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn’t want to dialogue, you won’t get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offence, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.”


127. “We can inspire others, teach them and guide them. But we cannot change them.”


128. “Start with Heart. The first question is: ‘What do I really want?’…How would I behave if I really wanted these results?”


129. Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and.


130. “We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. “Ah, that’s a sign that the other person feels unsafe.” And then what? Do something to make it safe.”


131. “The lion’s share of the problems that really bother us don’t call for additional technology, theory, philosophy, or data (we’re up to our necks in that); instead, the problems call for the ability to change what people do. And when it comes to this particular skill, demand far exceeds supply. Given”


132. “If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in.”


133. “Instead, they count on three keys to success—keys that all influencers adhere to and that you can use to your own benefit: 1. Focus and measure. Influencers are crystal clear about the result they are trying to achieve and are zealous about measuring it. 2. Find vital behaviors. Influencers focus on high-leverage behaviors that drive results. More specifically, they focus on the two or three vital actions that produce the greatest amount of change. 3. Engage all six sources of influence. Finally, influencers break from the pack by overdetermining change. Where most of us apply a favorite influence tool or two to our important challenges, influencers identify all of the varied forces that are shaping the behavior they want to change and then get them working for rather than against them. And now for the really good news. According to our research, by getting six different sources of influence to work in their favor, influencers increase their odds of success tenfold.”


134. “They may disagree with all the suggestions, but they won’t outright deny them. They will skillfully mold them into how they see fit.”


135. “People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content—that’s a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful.”


136. “Society sets certain norms and expected behavior patterns. First and foremost, we are expected to control our temper.”


137. “Most relationships fade over the years because the people don’t tend to or simply refuse to talk.”


138. “Second, clarify what you really don’t want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don’t try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible option?”


139. “Provide individuals who have been disappointed or poorly treated with something to say and a way to say it that leads to the result they want, and their mental math changes.”


140. “You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved.”


141. “This book is an apt response to the wisdom of the great historian Arnold Toynbee, who said that you can pretty well summarize all of history—not only of society, but of institutions and of people—in four words: Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.”


142. “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – AMBROSE BIERCE.”


143. “When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. That’s it. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.”


144. “There are two components that combine to result in a successful conversation.”


145. “If you persist over time, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost join you in a dialogue.”


146. “Search for the Elusive And The best at dialogue refuse Fool’s Choices by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions—questions that turn the either/or choice into a search for the all-important and ever-elusive and. (It is an endangered species, you know.) Here’s how this works.”


147. “This book is an apt response to the wisdom of the great historian Arnold Toynbee, who said that you can pretty well summarize all of history—not only of society, but of institutions and of people—in four words: Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success. The”


148. “Every time we decide to use our power to influence others, particularly if we`re gleeful and hasty, we damage the relationship. We move from enjoying a healthy partnership based on trust and mutual respect to establishing a police state that requires constant monitoring.”


149. “By releasing your grip on your strategy and focusing on your real purpose, you’re now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests.”


150. “When conversations matter the most—that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial—we’re generally on our worst behavior. Why is that? We’re designed wrong. When conversations turn from routine to crucial, we’re often in trouble. That’s because emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.”


151. “People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool–even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.”


152. “When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.”


153. “But always remember, our suppressed emotions will flare during crucial moments, and sometime they may go far beyond our control.”


154. “Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.” When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others.”


155. “Many of the profound and persistent problems we face stem more from a lack of skill (which in turn stems from a lack of deliberate practice) than from a genetic curse, a lack of courage, or a character flaw. Self-discipline, long viewed as a character trait, and elite performance, similarly linked to genetic gifts, stem from the ability to engage in guided practice of clearly defined skills.”


156. “Here are some great ones: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?”


157. Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you. to. dialogue.”


158. “You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success—or are they holding you back? —Clement Stone”


159. “There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus.”


160. “mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age.”


161. “This starts an unending loop where the relationship goes downhill and ends up at a place you would never have imagined.”


162. “Change Tactic: Bad habits are almost always a social disease—if those around us model and encourage them, we’ll almost always fall prey. Turn “accomplices” into “friends” and you can be two-thirds more likely to succeed.”


163. “Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works – it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.”


164. “As you practice presenting this question to yourself at emotional times, you’ll discover that at first you resist it. When our brain isn’t functioning well, we resist complexity. We adore the ease of simply choosing between attacking or hiding—and the fact that we think it makes us look good. “I’m sorry, but I just had to destroy the guy’s self-image if I was going to keep my integrity. It wasn’t pretty, but it was the right thing to do.” Fortunately, when you refuse the Fool’s Choice—when you require your brain to solve the more complex problem—more often than not, it does just that. You’ll find there is a way to share your concerns, listen sincerely to those of others, and build the relationship—all at the same time. And the results can be life changing.”


165. “Actually, some of us learn to look for minor errors from an early age. For instance, you might conclude in kindergarten that while having the right answer is good, having it first is even better. And of course, having it first after others are wrong endows you with an even greater glory! Over time you find that finding even the tiniest of errors in others’ facts, thinking, or logic reinforces your supreme place in the spotlight of teacher and peer admiration. So you point out their errors. Being right at the expense of others becomes skillful sport.”


166. “Change Tactic: Directly link short-term rewards and punishments to the new habits you’re trying to form, and you’re far more likely to stay on track.”


167. “People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool–even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.”


168. “When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make it Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.”


169. “As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.”


170. When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.


171. “For example, obesity costs the average person an extra $1,429 per year in increased health care costs. But since we’re not required to set aside money for every burger we consume (to cover the real financial cost of the burger), the long-term costs of carrying extra weight remain invisible.”


172. “Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.”


173. “As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror. There”


174. “Change Tactic: Changing deeply entrenched habits invariably requires help, information, and real support from others. Get a coach, and you’ll make change far more likely.”


175. “Once you learn to talk properly, you’ll find it is easier to share personal and emotional topics in a way in which you’ll get the desired reply.”


176. “Now I say, we shouldn’t hold back our anger. We should express it, let it out, every single bit of it, and at the end, we’ll see, we perhaps made the best speech we may regret making.”


177. “Conversación crucial es entonces aquella entre dos o más personas donde 1) las opiniones son opuestas, 2) hay importantes factores en juego y 3) las emociones son intensas.”


178. “Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. – WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.”


179. “I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. —DAVE BARRY”


180. “Don't confuse stories with facts. ...When you generate stories in the blink of an eye, you can get so caught up in the moment the you begin to believe your stories are facts.”


181. “How would I behave if I really wanted these results?”


182. “So be patient when exploring how others think and feel. Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you’ve created.”


183. “As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.”


184. “The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.”


185. “Instead, success relies on the capacity to systematically create rapid, profound, and sustainable changes in a handful of key behaviors.”


186. “It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” — Albert Einstein


187. “You don’t have to choose between being honest and being effective.”


188. “The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy”


189. “By tentatively sharing a story rather than attacking, name-calling, and threatening, the worried spouse averted a huge battle, and the couple’s relationship was strengthened at a time when it could easily have been damaged.”


190. Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE


191. “For someone to acknowledge that you are knowledgeable, you have to put that knowledge to use. If not it is equal to not being knowledgeable at all.”


192. “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?”


193. “When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide.”


194. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW


195. “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”


196. “Don’t aim for perfection. Aim for progress. Learn to slow the process down when your adrenaline gets pumping.”


197. “Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.”


198. “What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment—is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion.”


199. “In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It’s how you argue that matters.”


200. “Everybody has a goal. Some may have plans to reach the goal. But before plans, what we need is a deadline. Goals set without a deadline are merely directions.”


201. “Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response of “fight or flight,” and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile.”


202. “Don't aim for perfection. Aim for progress. Learn to slow the process down when your adrenaline gets pumping.”


203. “The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.”


204. “SUMMARY—START WITH HEART Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough. Work on Me First, Us Second • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” • And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?” Refuse the Fool’s Choice • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. • Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and. • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.”


205. “Respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose—it is now about defending dignity.”


206. “Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person’s verbal attack, we still have to face up to the fact that it’s going to take a little while for him or her to settle down.”


207. “When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things.”


208. “For a dialogue to happen, both parties should need to give their consent. One interested party could initiate but not prolong a conversation.


209. “How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”


210. “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them. – DEAN RUSK.”


211. “consequence of the original act and helps unbundle the problem.”


212. “If you persist over time, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.”


213. “You can’t simply highlight an inspiring paragraph in a book and walk away changed.”


214. “For instance, Ericsson has described how dedicated figure skaters practice differently on the ice: Olympic hopefuls work on skills they have yet to master. Club skaters, in contrast, work on skills they’ve already mastered. Amateurs tend to spend half of their time at the rink chatting with friends and not practicing at all. Put simply, skaters who spend the same number of hours on the ice achieve very different results because they practice in very different ways.”


215. “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them. —DEAN RUSK”


216. “Conversations are extremely important for relationships, especially between couples. If one partner isn’t able to open up to another, misunderstandings will arise.”


217. “I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. —David Sedaris”


218. “I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common. ”


219. When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.


220. “An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing – or at least not preventing – pain or difficulty to others.”


221. “Simply practice won’t make you perfect. The practice has to be perfect for the result to be perfect.”


222. “Every time you try to convince others through verbal persuasion, you suffer from your inability to select and share language in a way that reproduces in the mind of the listener exactly the same thoughts you are having. You say your words, but others hear their words, which in turn stimulate their images, their past histories, and their overall meaning—all of which may be very different from what you intended.”


223. “He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still.”


224. “In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us.”


225. “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. Mastering”


226. “Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE”


227. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”


228. “People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.”


229. “We’re asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe. We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind. We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. “Ah, that’s a sign that the other person feels unsafe.” And then what? Do something to make it safe.”


230. “When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace. Winning”


231. “Goals without deadlines aren’t goals; they’re merely directions.”


232. “At this point, you could be tempted to water down your content—“You know it’s really not that big a deal.” Don’t give into the temptation. Don’t take back what you’ve said. Instead, put your remarks in context.”


233. “Mild persistence could attract the uninterested party, provided the approach is polite and conveyed in a manner they feel comfortable.”


234. “When we make mistakes, we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure. “Sure I was late getting home and didn’t call you, but I couldn’t let the team down!” On the other hand, when others do things that hurt or inconvenience us, we tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives or exaggerate flaws for others based on how their actions affected us. “You are so thoughtless! You could have called me and told me you were going to be late.”


235. “You know what? We need to talk about this. I’m glad you asked the question. Thank you for taking that risk. I appreciate the trust it shows in me.”


236. “Achieving synergy is ideal for all conversations, but to achieve synergy, all the participants must be in one page.”


237. “Humans are, by nature, social creatures. Therefore it is always good for people to be skilled in dialogues and group interactions.”


238. “The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. —WILLIAM JAMES”


239. “Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I.” When”


240. “First, they understand the importance of setting specific goals. Most people say that they understand this concept, but few actually put the concept into practice. For example, average volleyball players set goals to improve their “concentration” (exactly what is that?), whereas top performers decide they need to practice tossing the ball correctly—and they understand each of the elements in the toss. As part of this focus on specific levels of achievement, top performers set their goals to improve behaviors or processes rather than outcomes.”


241. “Continuous disruptions will end the conversation earlier than necessary.”


242. “The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.”


243. Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.


244. “Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action.”


245. “Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn’t handle it well.”


246. “Since we’re not required to set aside money for every burger we consume (to cover the real financial cost of the burger), the long-term costs of carrying extra weight remain invisible.”


247. “Change Tactic: Small changes in your environment can have a surprising effect on your choices. For example, just add a few visual cues that help you focus on your goals, and your behavior will change rapidly.”


248. “If you can be respectful and private but firm in this conversation, most problem behavior will stop. And remember, if the behavior is over the line, you shouldn’t hesitate to contact HR to ensure your rights and dignity are protected.”


249. “At the end of the day, what qualifies people to be called “leaders” is their capacity to influence others to change their behavior in order to achieve important results. Now,”


250. Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.


251. “Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together.”


252. “In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives. And here’s the good news. When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue— the only reliable way of discovering others’ genuine motives.”


253. Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want


254. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW What”


255. “Crucial Conversation kr shel kän´ vr sa´ shen) n A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.”


256. Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”


257. “Change Tactic: Bad habits are almost always a social disease—if those around us model and encourage them, we’ll almost always fall prey.”


258. “Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating action.”


259. “People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool--even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don't agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.”


260. “With simple tasks such as typing, driving, or playing golf and tennis, we reach our highest level of proficiency after about 50 hours of practice; then our performance skills become automated. We’re able to execute them smoothly and with minimal effort, but further development stops. We assume we’ve reached our highest performance level, and we don’t think to learn new and better methods.”


261. “I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common. —OUIDA”


262. “Consequently, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours.”


263. “It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best. —W. Edwards Deming”


264. “Not everyone forgets to take measures and to do so frequently, but people still fail to create measures that generate the right kind of influence. They do so by measuring the wrong variable.”


265. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver.”


266. “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. —AMBROSE BIERCE”


267. This book is an apt response to the wisdom of the great historian Arnold Toynbee, who said that you can pretty well summarize all of history—not only of society, but of institutions and of people—in four words: Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success. The


268. “It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress. Which is why it’s no surprise that those who are best at dialogue tend to turn this logic around. They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”


269. “practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.”


270. “In perhaps the most revealing of all the health-related studies, a group of subjects who had contracted malignant melanoma received traditional treatment and then were divided into two groups. One group met weekly for only six weeks; the other did not. Facilitators taught the first group of recovering patients specific communication skills. (When it's your life that's at stake, could anything be more crucial?)


271. “First, clarify what you really want. You’ve got a head start if you’ve already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice. “What I want is for my husband to be more reliable. I’m tired of being let down by him when he makes commitments that I depend on.” Second, clarify what you really don’t want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen”

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