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165 Best Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead Quotes

1. “ He who laughs last laughs best. ”


2. “ What a brave boy you are to have found me. ”


3. “There are a lot of things on earth that I think would be considered magic if they weren’t real. Dreaming, for example. The fact that babies are created inside of women’s bodies; the whole concept of conception. Castles. Trees. Whales. Lions. Birds. Rainbows. Water. The northern lights. Volcanos. Lightning. Fire.” 


4. “ [name], you are braver than I thought. ”


5. “I feel simultaneously intensely insignificant and hyperaware of how important everyone is.” ... 


6. “ Be honest. You're a zombie, aren't you? ”


7. “Anxious death-obsessed lesbians unite! I cackled and cringed in recognition while following the exploits of Gilda, who is plagued by intrusive thoughts about death and the absurdity of the human condition. Emily Austin is a unique and wry writer, and her debut novel manages to be both hilarious and profound, a winning combination.”


8. “ It's time for you to go on a little adventure. ”


9. “ You puny little Earth bugs! ”


10. “I wonder, why do we do this? We give each other rocks and wear expensive clothing to sign papers saying we will be someone’s partner until one of us dies. We involve the government.” 


11. “When I think about the Catholic church, and about most religions in general, my theory is that they came to be as a solution to our existential dread. It’s comforting to imagine that everyone who is dead is just waiting for us in the next room. It’s calming to imagine that we have an all-powerful father who is watching over us, and who loves us.”


12. “ I'll cook [food]. ”


13. “I feel simultaneously intensely insignificant and hyperaware of how important everyone is.” ― Emily R. Austin, Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead.


14. “As a queer woman whose brain can be a terrifying place, I devoured this novel about a panic-ridden lesbian who hides her sexuality to work at a Catholic Church. While the narrator is anxious beyond measure, the prose is self-assured—brisk and effortless, moving through time and space with ease. At its core, the novel is about the fragility of human life, kept fresh with an intriguing mystery and subtle moments of tenderness. Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead is a dreary truth but a delightful read.”


15. “This is all my fault,” I explain.


16. “An immersive experience, and a scintillating debut novel . . . The interplay between queerness and mental health is a rich palette for painting a narrative, and through Gilda’s eyes, Austin lets us all feel the push and pull of what we know and what we think we know about ourselves and the world around us.”


17. “There is no meaning...and so because of that there is YOUR freedom...”


18. “ I have been waiting for you. ”


19. “ I wish your dad were here now. ”


20. “Despite both my car and my arm being broken, I am driving myself to the emergency room. I resolved not to involve an ambulance because I do not like to be a spectacle. I would rather be run over by another van than be surrounded by paramedics touching me inside such a conspicuous vehicle.” 


21. “ I am a man whose existence does not matter. ”


22. “ A world outside? What do you mean? ”


23. “ You're in the way, kid! ”


24. “ You are ugly! ”


25. “ Who are you talking to? ”


26. “ Promise me that if you need help, you will return. ”


27. “I start to picture a world where Jesus had been killed using a different murder device. I picture little ceramic guillotine figurines. I imagine miniature nooses hung above children's beds. Electric chair necklaces and earrings.” 


28. “ What are you staring at? ”


29. “Fiercely insightful, strikingly contemporary, and laugh-out-loud funny. Austin’s intimate stream-of-consciousness narration makes flesh and blood her absurd, desperate, and deeply endearing protagonist. You will find yourself rooting for her throughout the wild hijinks that fill these pages.”


30. “I have chosen happiness. Out of all the emotions set out on the table, I have selected it. It is by far the superior option. It’s insane to think I would have ever picked one of those shittier emotions before—when all the while, I could have chosen shiny, shimmering, iridescent happiness.” 


31. “ If we have not met, we cannot part! ”


32. “ Don't take me for an ordinary man. ”


33. “ Promise me you'll come again! ”


34. “My god—this book starts with a literal bang and keeps on going, straight through the heart of American anxiety, exploring the self-imposed experience of being a terrified human in a world with other terrified humans. It’s so vivid and so good.” 


35. “Exuberant.... a brisk story underpinned by a vibrant cast.” —Publishers Weekly


36. “ Call me whenever you want. ”


37. “Imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt themselves and have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Last year my friend Ingrid told me I had it. I had just told her that I didn’t feel like I belonged at my previous bookstore job. I told her that I didn’t really get 1984 and that I hate poetry — so I wasn’t sure if working at a bookstore was right for me. She told me, ‘You have a classic case of impostor syndrome.’


38. “ I am here to protect you. ”


39. “ All of us know you don't belong here, but we consider you one of us. ”


40. “ Hee hee hee… ”


41. “It’s easy for me to accept that I am bacteria, or a parasite, or cancer. It’s easy for me to accept that my life is trivial and that I am a speck of dust. It is hard for me to accept that for the people around me, however…..I feel simultaneously intensely insignificant and hyperaware of how important everyone is.”


42. “I am thinking about how enormous my thighs look pressed down on the concrete, while simultaneously thinking about how small I am in the grand scheme of things.” 


43. “ My heart is still pounding so hard. ”


44. “We don’t deserve an author as insightful and empathetic as Emily Austin. Through the inner dialogue of Gilda, our painfully human heroine, Austin connects us with the best and worst parts of being a person while reminding us that even our darkest moments can lead to extraordinary revelations. I missed Gilda as soon as I finished the last page, and am already counting down to Austin’s next book.” —ANNE T. DONAHUE, author of Nobody Cares


45. “Her teeth and lips are tinted purple from the Kool-Aid. Mine are probably purple too, but I can’t see them. You can’t see your own face from within it. This is something I have always struggled with” 


46. “ Let's call it a draw then… ”


47. “ [name]! I am talking about you! ”


48. “ My! What strange clothing you wear! ”


49. “ What can be done? ”


50. “ I know success will be yours in the end. ”


51. “Emily Austin’s protagonist, Gilda—an atheist, animal-loving lesbian who has worried about death since childhood—spoke directly to the deepest, darkest parts of myself. Did I mention that she’s also hilarious? This is not just a tender-hearted story, it swerves like a thriller, and I couldn’t put it down.”


52. “Sometimes I wonder if I have really been the same person my whole life. I stare at the picture, and think: Is that really me? I have this bizarre feeling like I was a different person at every other stage of my life. I feel so removed from myself then. Sometimes I feel like I was a different person a month ago. A day. Five minutes. Now.” 


53. “It’s strange people don’t like how their bodies look. It’s strange we waste any of our time concerning ourselves with how our skin drapes over our bones or how fat cultivates.” 


54. “ Someone must be controlling the dead. ”


55. “I feel simultaneously intensely insignificant and hyperaware of how important everyone is.” 


56. “It turns out the crackers I stole are the body of Christ. After eating more than half the bag, I googled the cracker brand and learned that I paired marble Cracker Barrel cheese with God’s transubstantiated body. I had originally googled the crackers so I could leave them a review. I planned to write: BORING. Whoever created these is unimaginative. These crackers are tasteless and bland.” 


57. “ I can't do a cartwheel. ”


58. “ You need money, don't you? ”


59. “ Have you ever met a man who practices philosophy? ”


60. “I wonder what it's like to be him. To vocalize the stupid thoughts he has without considering how others will interpret them. He just fumbles happily throughout his day, saying whatever he is compelled to - while I am over here laboring to produce appeasing facial expressions.” 


61. “ Hey, would you like to spend the night here? ”


62. “I never know how to answer that question because I don't feel like I am out. I feel like I am in a constant state of coming out, and like I always will be. I have to come out every time I meet someone.” 


63. “We don’t deserve an author as insightful and empathetic as Emily Austin. Through the inner dialogue of Gilda, our painfully human heroine, Austin connects us with the best and worst parts of being a person while reminding us that even our darkest moments can lead to extraordinary revelations. I missed Gilda as soon as I finished the last page, and am already counting down to Austin’s next book.”


64. “ Just looking at you makes me feel so confident! ”


65. “Austin wrings plenty of hilarity from existential agony.”


66. “ I told my kid to study, then play Nintendo games. Those are the rules around my house! ”


67. “ I stepped in dog crap once myself. ”


68. “A fresh and funny debut with a quirky deadpan narrator you can’t help rooting for. Her wry and endearing voice springs from every page as you turn them faster and faster. Bravo, Emily Austin! Comically brilliant.”


69. “ I appreciate your kindness to [name]. ”


70. “ You look so much like [name]… I wonder why? ”


71. “I don't know her; I know the teenaged version of her. I'm at this party because I feel indebted as a friend to the shadow of the kid that she used to be. It's strange I'm here at all.” 


72. “I feel like my ribs are a birdcage and my heart is a bird on fire.”


73. “Everything matters so much and so little; it is disgusting.” 


74. “ Please hold me! ”


75. “ I am so embarrassed! I wish I could crawl into a hole! ”


76. “ What should I do? ”


77. “I think I am an impostor. Twenty-seven years ago I was a baby. Before that I was a clump of cells. Before that I didn’t exist. How could I be a bookstore clerk, or a Catholic, or a woman, or a person at all? I’m a life force contained in the deformed body of a baby. Of course I’m a fraud. The fact that I’m able to carry myself through life without being crushed beneath the psychological weight of being alive proves that I’m a con artist. Aren’t we all con artists?” 


78. “ We shall meet again! ”


79. “ Get to school! You are a school boy, aren't you? ”


80. “ I promise I won't forget you, so I will not say goodbye. ”


81. “ You are a strange person… But for some reason, I like you. ”


82. “I find it so bizarre that I occupy space, and that I am seen by other people.” ... 


83. “I came to the realization that every moment exists in perpetuity regardless of whether it’s remembered. What has happened has happened; it occupies that moment in time forever. I was an eleven-year-old girl lying in the grass one summer. I knew in that moment that was true and recognized that I would blaze through moments for the rest of my life, forgetting things, and becoming ages older, until I forgot everything—so I consoled myself by committing to remember that one moment.” 


84. “ Excuse me… could you answer this questionnaire? ”


85. “ I'd like to be a doctor, and help sick people… and make lots of money doing it. ”


86. “ You are my only hope. ”


87. “ How happy I am that you came to see me. ”


88. “ I was scared to death! ”


89. “Everything matters so much and so little; it is disgusting.”


90. “A fast read with a punch-drunk deadpan tone, this delightfully macabre novel is stellar.”


91. “ You want to be my friend? ”


92. “ That wasn't very cool, buddy. ”


93. “A witty and macabre story about a character who is struggling to find herself in this world and wants nothing more than for her ruminating thoughts on death to stop. Quirky and unique. Austin has the reader inside Gilda’s head and she has done an excellent job at portraying anxiety through Gilda’s thoughts. Austin’s writing style is unique and manages to keep the reader flying through pages, needing to know what’s going to happen next. If Everyone in This Room is any indication of the storyteller that Austin is, then we can’t wait to see what she writes next.”


94. “ Wow, you're so cute. Can I buy you a drink? ”


95. “ You have appeared. Just like in my dream… ”


96. “I asked myself, “Is there anything I want right now?” and then answered “fries.” I therefore decided to buy the fries instead of killing myself because that seemed logical. You shouldn't kill yourself when you still want to eat.” 


97. “I wish that I find something distracting enough to occupy my mind with thoughts unrelated to the futility of my existence, or that I die in the least disruptive way possible for my family.” 


98. “ You're not so good at fighting, are you? ”


99. “A luminous novel, whose humor, wisdom and tenderness shine through on every page. Emily Austin writes with a perfectly-gauged lightness of touch, deftly balancing perceptive musings on life and death with scenes that make you laugh out loud. Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead hits that sweet spot: a fun, page-turner of a novel that engages both heart and head. I was captivated by it.”


100. “ Help me! ”


101. “Why didn’t you stop me?” Lirael asked, made cross by the scare she’d had. Another few seconds and she would have been unable to return, she knew. She would have gone beyond the Ninth Gate forever. “It is something that all who walk here must face themselves,” whispered the Dog. “For everyone, and everything, there is a time to die. Some do not know it, or would delay it, but its truth cannot be denied."


102. “When I think about the Catholic church, and about most religions in general, my theory is that they came to be as a solution to our existential dread. It's comforting to imagine that everyone who is dead is just waiting for us in the next room. It's calming to imagine that we


103. “ Everyone loves you, [name]. ”


104. “ I wonder what sad experience has done this to [name]? ”


105. “Introducing the bumbling, anxious, helplessly kindhearted heroine we all need right now. Gilda might be an accidental Catholic, a lapsed lesbian, and an inept receptionist, but she’s awfully good at helping us reckon—hilariously, tenderly—with our impending deaths.”


106. “ Sorry… I was directing you to the rest room. ”


107. “ I know what you would like me to do. ”


108. “My mother had a baby, and her mother had a baby, and her mother had a baby. Every woman in my family before me lived to have a baby—just so that baby could grow up to have another baby. If I don’t have a baby, then all of those women reproduced just so that I could exist. I am the final product. I am the final baby.” 


109. “ Stranger, I can tell you're not from this place. ”


110. “ An awful creature beat me up. ”


111. “ I am hungry. Lets do lunch. ”


112. “I wonder if anyone really identifies as the adult they’ve morphed into. I remember being sixteen and feeling eleven. I remember thinking, how could I be a teenager? I remember finishing high school and thinking, am I grown now? Is this what it feels like? I feel the same as I did before.” 


113. “ Good luck. ”


114. “Whenever someone does something nice for me, I feel intensely aware of how strange and sad it is to know someone.” 


115. “Sometimes I wonder if I have really been the same person my whole life. I stare at the picture, and think: Is that really me? I have this bizarre feeling like I was a different person at every other stage of my life. I feel so removed from myself then. Sometimes I feel like I was a different person a month ago. A day. Five minutes. Now.”


116. “I am trapped inside this fragile body. I could be run off the road. I could be crushed by a van. I could choke on a grape. I could be allergic to bees; I am so impermanent that a measly bug could hop from a daisy to my arm, sting me, and I could be erased. Black. Nothing.” 


117. “ I hope we can meet again sometime. ”


118. “ [name]… Please stay with me. ”


119. “My mom ignores my dad, holding up a picture of Eli and me at the beach. Eli is wearing goggles and I have bright orange water wings on.


120. “ Believe it or not, I am a healer. ”


121. “ Oh, you don't need anyone's help, do you? ”


122. “Gilda, Emily Austin’s anxious and endearing hero, is a dream. It’s impossible not to root for her as she navigates love, religion, mental health, and everything in between. Too often our heroes are bigmouths who take up outsized space in the world. Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead redefines bravery, giving comfort to those who, like Gilda, struggle mightily with big hearts in a world that, to paraphrase the great Margaret Atwood, is full of bastards trying to get you down. Turn to any page in this lovely debut and you’ll meet a tsunami of joy.”


123. “ Did a poltergeist visit your house? ”


124. “ Brute strength is not enough. ”


125. “Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead is a fresh and funny debut with a quirky deadpan narrator you can’t help rooting for. Her wry and endearing voice springs from every page as you turn them faster and faster. Bravo, Emily Austin! Comically brilliant.” —TERRY FALLIS, two-time winner of the Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour


126. “We are all just floating in space, okay? Think about it, we're just ghosts in skeletons, inside skin bags, floating on a rock in space. If there is anything that would make you feel happy to do, please do it.” 


127. “ I thought you were a sensible child. ”


128. “ Don't tell anyone, but I'm so scared, I wet my pants. ”


129. “ With you, I'll share my secret to a long, long life. ”


130. “The perfect blend of macabre and funny.”


131. “ Let's hurry up and get out of here! ”


132. “ Hey, kid! How are you doing? ”


133. “Of course I’m a fraud. The fact that I’m able to carry myself through life without being crushed beneath the psychological weight of being alive proves that I’m a con artist. Aren’t we all con artists?” 


134. “ Please come back again someday. If you do, I may not get quite so lonely here. ”


135. “I discovered the corpse of my pet rabbit when I was ten years old. I was planning to split my apple with her. Instead of sharing a moment and some fruit with my pet, I came face-to-face with her lifeless remains. Eyes wide open. Dead.” 


136. “ Do you love me? ”


137. “Everyone in this book will touch your heart. Austin’s writing is spare yet exciting, each page sparkles with keen observation about the fleeting nature of life, yes, but also our profound ability to make lasting impact on those around us. I already can’t wait to read what she writes next.”


138. “[A] dryly comedic Canadian debut.”


139. “I am still waiting for the happiness I chose to kick in.” 


140. “ Love burns deep in your heart, right? ”


141. “ Leave me alone! Can't you see I'm incognito? ”


142. “ Are you bothered that unhappiness and misfortune search you out? ”


143. “There’s some strange magic at play here. A book about the anxiety of being someone else that possesses a genuine warmth and comfort? A book about death and depression that’s laugh-out-loud funny? A book written in straightforward unadorned prose that nonetheless feels entirely distinctive? I don’t know how Emily Austin does what she does, and honestly I don’t care. I just want more.”


144. “I'm disappointed God is so homophobic that he forgot about lesbians, but I guess I would rather be forgotten than put to death.” 


145. “ You look like you've been through a lot. ”


146. “I have started to collect dirty dishes in my bedroom. My smoothie cup from earlier today is sitting on top of a small stack of cups, plates, and bowls. Piling the dishes feels sort of like building a block castle. Every dish I add is risky. At some point the castle is going to collapse.”


147. “I find it so bizarre that I occupy space, and that I am seen by other people.” 


148. “ You don't talk very much, do you? ”


149. “This queer and hilarious debut novel from Emily Austin promises plenty of existential anxiety, awkwardness, and second-hand embarrassment.”


150. “ I love to listen to horror stories. ”


151. “ I don't have to like it, just enforce it. ”


152. “I am ready to feel happy, universe. Lay it on me. I am still waiting for the happiness I chose to kick in.” 


153. “ Do you think I talk too much? ”


154. “I can't muster the energy required to be a positive part of anyone's life. I can't even muster the energy to apologize for that.” 


155. “ Halt, who goes there? ”


156. “I have to share a room. I am expected to sleep mere meters from a woman whose mental ailment is unknown to me. For all I know she might be a cannibal.” 


157. “Hilarious, relatable, exasperating, and endearing. For all readers of fiction.” —Library Journal


158. “I feel so profoundly inside of myself, I can't stand it.” 


159. “My quietness is a consequence of my deeply entrenched nihilism. I don’t believe there is any real value in my or anyone else’s speaking, and I think that all of human existence is fundamentally unimportant.” 


160. “ Have you heard all of the people talking about you? ”


161. “Gilda, Emily Austin’s anxious and endearing hero, is a dream. It’s impossible not to root for her as she navigates love, religion, mental health and everything in between. Too often our heroes are bigmouths who take up outsized space in the world. Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead redefines bravery, giving comfort to those who, like Gilda, struggle mightily with big hearts in a world that, to paraphrase the great Margaret Atwood, is full of bastards trying to get you down. Turn to any page in this lovely debut and you’ll meet a tsunami of joy.” —ANDREW DAVID MACDONALD, bestselling author of When We Were Vikings


162. “ You look so happy all of the time! ”


163. “ If you desire to never find trouble… STAY HOME! ”


164. “ Love and peace, yeah! ”


165. “ It's so strange, you definitely should take a look. ”

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