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779 Funny Quotes Golf To Keep You Laughing (2023)

1. “A well hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands and into your heart.” ― Ben Hogan


2. Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.


3. “Golf is a science, the study of a lifetime, in which you can exhaust yourself but never your subject.” – David Forgan


4. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” – Bob Hope


5. “I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.” ― Jeff Foxworthy


6. “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”


7. “Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself.” ― Tony Lema


8. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play. . I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.


9. “There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.” ― Lee Trevino


10. “Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly 40 years to discover that I can’t play it.” ― Ted Ray


11. “Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ” ‒ Jim Murray


12. “Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots–but you have to play the ball where it lies.” – Bobby Jones


13. “The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.” ― H. G. Wells


14. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” ― Dave Berry


15. If your caddy coaches you on the tee, ‘Hit it down the left side with a little draw,‘ ignore him. All you do on the tee is try not to hit the caddy. – Jim Murray, American Sportswriter


16. “Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.”


17. A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o’clock and make it go toward 12 o’clock. But make sure you’re in the same time zone


18. “Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. ” ‒ P. G. Wodehouse


19. “I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. – GEORGE BRETT”


20. “Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores. ” ‒ Bill Cosby


21. Which pro golfer can jump higher than the flag? All of them, the flag can't jump.


22. “Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable. ” ‒ A. P. Herbert


23. The least things upset him on the links. That last missed short putt was because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadow. – PG Wodehouse, UK Author & Humourist


24. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work. – Lee Trevino


25. Concentrate on hitting the green. The cup will come to you. . Concentrate on hitting the green. The cup will come to you.


26. “Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.”


27. You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life


28. I have a tip that can take five shots off everyone’s game. It’s called an eraser. – Arnold Palmer, ‘The King’


29. I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods


30. “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” – P.G. Wodehouse


31. There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. . There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.


32. I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter if you don’t count the one I twisted into a loop and threw into a bush


33. Golf is the hardest game in the world. There is no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place


34. The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is a pencil


35. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” ― Mickey Mantle


36. On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament – ‘the rest of the field. – Roger Maltbie, PGA Tour & TV Commentator


37. “Most people play a fair game of golf, If you watch them.” ― Joey Adams


38. Of all the hazards, fear is the worst


39. “It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” ― Hank Aaron


40. Love the Club Scene


41. “When we watch pro golfers, we expect them to play well, to make the shots we know we can’t, and to be entertaining. Their expectation, however, is very different. They expect to succeed!” Lorii Myers


42. “If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. – BOB HOPE Funny”


43. “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” – G.K. Chesterton


44. “Don’t force your kids into sports. I never was. To this day, my dad has never asked me to go play golf. I ask him.” ― Tiger Woods


45. “Golf without Jones would be like France without Paris: leaderless, lightless and lonely.” ― Herbert Warren Wind


46. “It’s All In The Hips. It’s All In The Hips. It’s All In The Hips.”


47. “Golf is a good walk spoiled. ” ‒ Mark Twain


48. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” – Hank Aaron


49. “A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.”


50. Gone to the course — be back dark-thirty


51. “The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” —George Deukmejian


52. “Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” ― P.G. Wodehouse


53. I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them. Harry Tofcano


54. “We learn so many things from golf—how to suffer, for instance.”


55. “I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good.” ― Henry Beard


56. “The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. ” ‒ H. G. Wells


57. “Yeah, Right, And Grizzly Adams Had A Beard.”


58. To give yourself the best possible chance of playing to your potential, you must prepare for every eventuality. That means practice. . To give yourself the best possible chance of playing to your potential, you must prepare for every eventuality. That means practice.


59. “The only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself.” ― P. G. Wodehouse


60. “If I had a quarter for every bad shot I hit today, I’d have a large bag of quarters to hit myself over the head and ask myself why do I keep playing this game? MARC OSTROFSKY”


61. “As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” – Ben Hogan


62. Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man


63. “It’s alive, this swing, a living sculpture! And down through contact, always down, striking the ball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls. ” ‒ Roy McAvoy, ‘Tin Cup’


64. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls


65. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser. ” — Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently


66. Baseball reveals character; golf exposes it


67. “Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ” ‒ William Wordsworth


68. “The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.”


69. You can’t go into a shop and buy a good game of golf


70. “The first time I played in the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.”


71. Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air


72. “Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?” ― Al Boliska


73. “Golf has become so manicured, so perfect. The greens, the fairways. I don't like golf carts. I like walking. Some clubs won't let you in unless you have a caddy and a cart. ” ‒ Robert Redford


74. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” ― Jack Lemmon


75. The most rewarding things you do in life are often the ones that look like they cannot be done


76. “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.”


77. “The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does. ” ‒ Bertrand Russell


78. “Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that’s got to be remembered. ” ‒ Bagger Vance, ‘The Legend Of Bagger Vance’


79. “If you are caught in a storm and are afraid of lightning hold up a 1 iron. Even God can’t hit a 1 iron. ” ‒ Lee Trevino


80. “Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.” ― Anonymous


81. “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” ― Ben Hogan


82. “The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. ” — George Deukmejian waxing prophetic


83. “Forget your opponents; always play against par. ” ‒ Sam Snead


84. I don’t care to join any club that’s prepared to have me as a member. – Groucho Marx, American Comedian & Actor


85. “Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose”


86. Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy. . Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy.


87. “Golf and Sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. JIMMY DEMARET”


88. “I’m always in trouble on the golf course. It’s the depth that seems to vary. -JAVIER RUBINSTEIN”


89. “I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive.” – George W. Bush


90. “You have the opposite of poker face. You have like miniature golf face.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert


91. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. ” — again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course


92. “Golf’s three ugliest words: still your shot.” —Dave Marr


93. “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” ― Gerald R. Ford


94. “CMDCK I talk on my cell phone while playing golf as one excuse for why I play so poorly. STEVE SCHLAFER”


95. “Golf is an easy game…It’s just hard to play.”


96. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. . Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.


97. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” – Dean Martin


98. Golf isn’t like other sports where you can take a player out if he’s having a bad day. You have to play the whole game. . Golf isn’t like other sports where you can take a player out if he’s having a bad day. You have to play the whole game.


99. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”


100. I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose


101. The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.


102. “Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ” ‒ Harry Vardon


103. “Golf without Jones would be like France without Paris: leaderless, lightless and lonely. ” ‒ Herbert Warren Wind, ‘The Story Of American Golf: Its Champions And Championships’


104. Player: I made a 10 on hole 4 today! Friend: how on earth did you manage that? Player: I chipped in from the bunker!


105. “The mind messes up more shots than the body.” – Tommy Bolt


106. “If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even God cannot hit a one-iron.” – Lee Trevino


107. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age


108. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. ” — Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf


109. You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about


110. “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.”


111. “The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club.” ― Seve Ballesteros


112. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do


113. I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them


114. I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt. . I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt.


115. May the course be with you


116. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death


117. “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” — Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy, the greatest that never was.


118. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game. It is called an eraser. . I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game. It is called an eraser.


119. Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of the futility of the human effort. - Abba Eban


120. Are we playing by men’s rules today, or do we count every putt?!! (Lady golfer


121. They call it golf because the other four-letter words were taken. – Ray Floyd, PGA Hall of Fame


122. Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study Shanks – No Thanks by R. K. Hoffman or, in extreme cases, M. S. Howard’s excellent Tennis for Beginners


123. “Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability.” ― Steve Bann


124. “Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.” – A.A. Milne


125. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of golf balls


126. Golf is the only sport that a professional can enjoy playing with his friends


127. “I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ” ‒ Lee Trevino


128. “Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else’s anywhere else. PETER ANDREWS”


129. Born to golf, forced to work


130. “This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win. BEN HOGAN”


131. Missing a short putt does not mean you have to hit your next drive out of bounds


132. Golf is a game whose aim is to get a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. – Winston Churchill, UK Politician & Author


133. Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management


134. “A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.”


135. World’s most okay golfer


136. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.”


137. “Funny IG If Quotes My game is so bad I’ve got to hire three caddies -one to walk the left rough, one for the right rough, and one for down the middle. And the one in the middle doesn’t have to do much. – DAVE HILL”


138. The beach - the sand trap or bunker. "Looks like you're on the beach again".


139. “I'd play every day if I could. It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart. ” ‒ Brent Musburger


140. All rights reserved


141. Mac O'Grady, Golfer


142. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.


143. “The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties.” ― P. J. O’Rourke


144. “They don’t cut the greens here at Augusta. they use bikini wax.”


145. I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy. – Bob Hope, Actor & Comedian


146. If you think your hands are more important in your golf swing than your legs, try walking a hole on your hands


147. “But in the end it’s still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day you can’t shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you’ve missed the point.” ― Payne Stewart


148. Through years of experience, I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt


149. “The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.”


150. Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off


151. Chi Chi Rodriguez


152. I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies. . I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.


153. “The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does.” ― Bertrand Russell


154. There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn’t that set your blood racing?. . . . There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn’t that set your blood racing?. . .


155. Golfer: ‘This is the worst course I’ve ever played on’


156. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play. ” ‒ Gary Player


157. The greatest single lesson to be learned from golf is mental discipline


158. “You’ve just got one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.” ― Sam Snead


159. “Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves driving, chipping, putting, and the ability to count golf strokes. MARC OSTROFSKY”


160. “After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.” – Chi Chi Rodriquez, PGA Hall of Fame


161. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground


162. There are no short hitters on the tour anymore – just long and unbelievably long


163. Prettiest caddy in the world!


164. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.


165. “Golf is a game that mirrors life. Golf is both a mystical journey of joy and sorrow and a physical journey of cause and effect. ”‒ Matthew E. Adams, ‘Fairways Of Life: Golf Wisdom From The Legends’


166. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”


167. I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105


168. Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic


169. Up to par


170. “The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.” – H.G. Wells


171. “A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists. ” ‒ Thomas Boswell


172. I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot


173. “I’m an ordinary sort of fellow – 42 around the chest, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house. GROUCHO MARX Funny”


174. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” ― Bob Hope


175. The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things


176. My brother's golf game is so bad he's had to have his ball retriever regripped.


177. “Whoever said “Practice makes perfect” obviously never played golf.”


178. “I never play golf because it takes too long, and the business connections it produces can be made just as easily over an early breakfast. ” ‒ Eli Broad


179. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” ― Gerald Ford


180. “I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” ― David Brenner


181. “If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business. ” ‒ Joey Lauren Adams, ‘Strictly For Laughs’


182. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”


183. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up


184. “I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.”


185. “Never on any golf course have I been approached by a policeman who said, Lady, you can't play with an ordinary golf ball. You're movie star. You'll have to use a coconut for a ball. ” ‒ Irene Dunne, ‘How Do I Stay Normal In Hollywood’


186. “Golf is the cruelest game because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around. RICK REILLY”


187. “Finishing second at the Masters was like getting kicked in the head.”


188. “The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. – GEORGE DEUKMEJIAN”


189. I’m working as hard I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything would be perfect. – Doug Sanders, PGA Tour


190. “A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world. ” ‒ Harry Vardon, ‘Progressive Golf’


191. “If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. is HORACE G. HUTCHINSON”


192. The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight


193. “I know I am getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.”


194. “The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties. ” ‒ P. J. O'Rourke


195. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.” – Mickey Mantle


196. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” — Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf.


197. “Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey


198. “A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world.” ― Harry Vardon


199. “The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.”


200. Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls. Bob Hope


201. “Golf asks something of a man. It makes one loathe mediocrity. It seems to say, If you are going to keep company with me, don’t embarrass me.” ― Gary Player


202. My dad has always taught me these words: care and share. That’s why we put on clinics. The only thing I can do is try to give back. If it works, it works. . . . My dad has always taught me these words: care and share. That’s why we put on clinics. The only thing I can do is try to give back. If it works, it works. . .


203. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!!


204. “And the wind shall say: ‘Here were decent godless people:


205. The woods are full of long drivers


206. “The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. ” ‒ Phyllis Diller


207. The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cannot improve your lie. – George Deukmejian, Diplomat


208. I never learned anything from a match that I won


209. If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson, 2-Time British Amateur Champion


210. A good walk spoiled


211. “A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.”


212. When you hear someone shout “You da man,” if he ain’t shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain’t da man


213. “You know what the game of golf is, don’t you? It’s basketball for people who can’t jump and chess for people who can’t think.” ― Tom Robbins


214. “There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice.” ― Henry Beard


215. “SANTA, I’D LIKE A LARGE BANK ACCOUNT AND A LOW GOLF SCORE. PLEASE DON’T MIX THEM UP LIKE LAST YEAR!”


216. “Success in this game depends less on strength of body than strength of mind and character.” – Arnold Palmer


217. It’s tee time somewhere in the world


218. The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows. . The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.


219. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ” — Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course


220. Jack Lemmon, Actor


221. “My worst day at golf still beats my best day at work.”


222. Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick


223. “The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief - call it what you will - than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counter attractions of cinema, motor bicycle and golf course. ” ‒ A. A. Milne, ‘Year In, Year Out’


224. “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” ― P.J. O’Rourke


225. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. . My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.


226. “My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” ― Lord Robertson of Port Ellen


227. “May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. ” ‒ Ben Hogan


228. “Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have. ” ‒ Harvey Penick


229. “If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.” ― Paul Gallico


230. “Stay true to yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will lead you to your dream.” – James Ross


231. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par


232. Golfer: ‘My golf is awful, I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake’


233. My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!. . My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!.


234. “Golf is a worrier's game, inward, concentrated, a matter of inches, invented by the same people who gave us Presbyterianism. ” ‒ Robert Hass, ‘Twentieth Century Pleasures: Prose On Poetry’


235. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.”


236. Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course. . Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.


237. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ” ‒ Jack Benny


238. “Always keep in mind that if God didn’t want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn’t come three to a sleeve. DAN JENKINS”


239. Legalize Mulligans!


240. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. ” ‒ Gerald Ford


241. “Golf has some drawbacks. It’s possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind.” ― Sir W.G. Simpson


242. If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even god cannot hit a one-iron. – Lee Trevino


243. “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” ― Lee Trevino


244. “A great day on a golf course is when you find more balls than you lose. MARC OSTROFSKY”


245. Golfer: ‘You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world’


246. “There are many things you can successfully fake in business…but a good golf swing isn’t one of them.” ― Bobby Darnel


247. “You ought to take more exercise, if you’re inclined to have a liver. Play golf.” ― Daphne du Maurier


248. “Golf is an unusual game. When you have a good day, you can’t wait to get back out there, and when you have a bad day, you can’t wait to get back out there.”


249. “A “Lion” would never cheat on his wife but a “Tiger Wood”


250. “You can find me In Da Club” – 50 Cent, “In Da Club”


251. “I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it. JIM DENT Funny Funny Golf Quotes .com It’s nice to look down the fairway and see your mother on the left and your father on the right. You know that no matter whether you hook it or slice it, somebody is going to be there to kick it back in the fairway. LARRY NELSON”


252. “I can't wait to be that age and hanging out with a bunch of people hanging out all day playing golf and going to the beach, all my own age. We'd be laughing and having a good time. Driving golf carts around. I can't wait. ” ‒ Cameron Diaz


253. One minute, you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa


254. “Golf is a game that mirrors life. Golf is both a mystical journey of joy and sorrow and a physical journey of cause and effect.” ― Matthew E. Adams


255. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie


256. “Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots – but you have to play the ball as it lies. – BOBBY JONES’S”


257. A gimme can be best defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well


258. Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say Man we shot 66 today. But go out and shoot 77 and they say Hell, he shot 77. – Lee Trevino (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer


259. “As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. ” ‒ Ben Hogan


260. “The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman – a matter of millimetres.” ― Ian Fleming


261. Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? Because her coach was a pumpkin.


262. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge, and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. . After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge, and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.


263. “Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine.” ― Jim Murray


264. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” — Bruce Crampton making us think more than we’d like to.


265. “If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.”


266. “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” —Mark Twain


267. The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course


268. The jungle- Really bad, deep rough.


269. “You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work.” – Lee Trevino


270. “The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing”


271. “Golf is a good walk spoiled”


272. A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible


273. “Golf is a billion-dollar industry devoted entirely to hope.” ― Deepak Chopra


274. “A golf swing is a collection of corrected mistakes CAROL MANN”


275. Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting. - Peter Dobereiner


276. “I bought my first electric car in 1970. Its top speed was 15 mph and it had just a 15 mile range - it was essentially a golf cart with a windshield wiper and a horn. ” ‒ Ed Begley. Jr


277. Golfer: ‘Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?’


278. My best club is the scoring pencil


279. What do you call a monkey that wins the Masters? A chimpion.


280. I wish I could play my normal game…just once.


281. “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.”


282. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. . Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.


283. One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something. . One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.


284. A game in which you claim the privileges of age and retain the playthings of childhood


285. “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”


286. “Just Stay Out Of My Way Or You’ll Pay. Listen To What I Say.”


287. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” — Bruce Crampton


288. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” — Raymond Floyd


289. “Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself. ” ‒ Tony Lema, ‘Champagne Golf’


290. “I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.” ― Rogers Hornsby


291. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” ― Raymond Flyod


292. “I am past writing angst songs for kids. My angst is when I can’t get my Porsche roof up and when I can’t get my golf handicap down.” ― Alice Cooper


293. Golfer: ‘Do you think it a sin to play golf on a Sunday?’


294. “Forget your opponents; always play against par.” – Sam Snead


295. “My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card.”


296. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.


297. “Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player.”


298. Luck? Sure, but only after long practice and only with the ability to think under pressure


299. “the only thing a golfer needs is more daylight” – Ben Hogan


300. “Whoever said “practice makes perfect” obviously never played golf. AUTHOR UNKNOWN”


301. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” ― Jack Benny


302. “It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. ” — Hank Aaron, owner of 755 home runs and one amazing golf quote


303. “The game just embarrasses you until you feel inadequate and pathetic. You want to cry like a child. CRAIG STADLER”


304. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course.


305. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced


306. Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either. Lee Trevino


307. “You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time. ” ‒ Tony Lema


308. One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball


309. “I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.” — Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this?


310. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” ― Gary Player


311. “Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man’s sins.” – James Barrett Reston


312. “If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot.”


313. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” – Bob Hope


314. “My worst day at golf still beats my best day at work.” ― Corn Rows


315. “Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?” ― Ben Hogan.


316. “I like to drink because it helps take the edge off other golfers. DAN LEVINE”


317. “You know what the game of golf is, don't you? It's basketball for people who can't jump and chess for people who can't think. ” ‒ Tom Robbins


318. “A good golf partner is always slightly worse than you are – and that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.”


319. “Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.” ― Brent Musberger


320. A golf course outside a big town serves an excellent purpose in that it segregates, as though a concentration camp, all the idle and idiot well-to-do


321. “Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.” ― Gerald Ford


322. “Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.” ― Bill Cosby


323. “When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again! AUTHOR UNKNOWN”


324. “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ” ‒ Billy Graham, ‘Quotes From Billy Graham: A Legacy Of Faith’


325. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald R. Ford


326. “Golf is not a fair game, so why build a course fair? PETE DYE”


327. “Whoever said “Practice makes perfect” obviously never played golf.” ― Lipschitz


328. “Work is for people who don’t know how to play golf.”


329. Playing good; scoring bad


330. “My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. LORD GEORGE ROBERTSON’S”


331. Sex and golf are the only two things you can enjoy if you’re not good at either. – Kevin Costner, Actor


332. Bruce Lansky, Author


333. “If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.” ― Joey Lauren Adams


334. “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ” — Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled


335. Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting


336. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.


337. “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose. ” ‒ Gerald R. Ford


338. What did one golf ball say to the other golf ball? "See you, round".


339. Golf is the only game I know of that actually becomes harder the longer you play it


340. “You want to play with the pros now, You gotta hit it in the hole now.” – Golf Boys, “Oh Oh Oh”


341. “I’d play every day if I could. It’s cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.” ― Brent Musburger


342. Carl Spackler, Greenskeeper


343. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. ” ‒ Raymond Flyod


344. “Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?” ‒ Ben Hogan


345. They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken


346. “There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.” ― Andrew Perry


347. “The stages of a golfer’s game are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse. – HENRY BEARD”


348. “These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.“


349. “Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five.” ― Napolean Hill


350. “You ought to take more exercise, if you're inclined to have a liver. Play golf. ” ‒ Daphne du Maurier, ‘The Birds And Other Stories’


351. “Golf is a maddening compulsion, a diabolical trick, agony disguised as fun. JASON GAY, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL”


352. I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose. – Gerald Ford, US President


353. “A good player who is a great putter is a match for any golfer. A great hitter who cannot putt is a match for no one.” – Ben Sayers


354. Grip it and rip it


355. If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using “an outside agency” and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf


356. You can talk to a fade, but a hook won’t listen


357. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.


358. Hell I’m going to make so much money this year, my caddy will make the top twenty money-winners list. – Lee Trevino


359. Born to golf. Forced to work. . Born to golf. Forced to work.


360. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. ” ‒ Mickey Mantle


361. I’m getting better at golf now because I’m hitting fewer spectators. – Gerald Ford


362. “The most important shot in golf is the next one. ” ‒ Ben Hogan


363. “Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad. A.A. MILNE”


364. Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation. . Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.


365. I'd like to play my normal game. Just once..! Anon


366. Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either. - Lee Trevino


367. “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. ” ‒ G. K. Chesterton


368. The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club. – Seve Ballesteros (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer


369. Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own, as well as your opponent’s


370. Chi Chi Rodriguez, Golfer


371. “The main idea in golf as in life, I suppose is to learn to accept what cannot be altered…” ― Bobby Jones


372. As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round


373. “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.”


374. Jimmy Demaret, Golfer


375. I’ve spent most of my life golfing – the rest I’ve just wasted


376. “Golf is the most over-taught and least-learned human endeavor there is. If they taught sex the way they teach golf, the human race would have died out years ago. – JIM MURRAY’S”


377. “In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed. ” ‒ Allan Sherman, ‘A Gift Of Laughter: The Autobiography Of Allan Sherman’


378. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” — Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links.


379. “A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill unless there is sand or water at the bottom.” – Henry Beard


380. “I’m addicted. I’m addicted to golf.” ― Tiger Woods


381. A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it


382. “Alan Shepard didn’t take a baseball or a soccer ball to the moon; he took a 6 iron. Some folks will do anything to get a little extra distance on a drive! GEORGE FULLER”


383. When it’s breezy, hit it easy


384. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” ― Mark Twain


385. “Golf is an easy game that’s hard to play. AUTHOR UNKNOWN Funny”


386. “Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting. PETER DOBEREINER”


387. There are two things you can do with your head downplay golf and pray


388. Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap


389. “Golf?! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. ” — Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesn’t make much sense


390. Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad


391. Golf’s three ugliest words: still your shot


392. “Golf has produced a lot of millionaires…most of them are former billionaires.”


393. “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” ― Billy Graham


394. Playing the game, I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of the futility of the human effort. . Playing the game, I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of the futility of the human effort.


395. “The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief – call it what you will – than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counter attractions of cinema, motor bicycle and golf course.” ― A. A. Milne


396. “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ” ‒ Henny Youngman


397. “A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are… that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.”


398. The only thing you should force in a golf swing is the club back in the bag


399. “It’s often necessary to hit a second shot to appreciate the first one. HENRY BEARD”


400. “Never on any golf course have I been approached by a policeman who said, Lady, you can’t play with an ordinary golf ball. You’re a movie star. You’ll have to use a coconut for a ball.” ― Irene Dunne


401. “Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch. ” ‒ Jen Kirkman


402. “Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.”


403. “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham


404. “I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.” – Ewan McGregor


405. “Golf is like kissing your sister; it’s something you can do but don’t really want to do too much of.” – Bo Derek


406. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”


407. “It’s a marriage. If I had to choose between my wife and my putter, well, I’d miss her. |– GARY PLAYER”


408. “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” — Ben Hogan making a joke, we think, it was hard to tell with him.


409. “E It’s a frustrating sport. Without humor, you’d probably end up killing someone you play with. Then again, if you had a jury of golfers, you’d probably be acquitted. RABBI MARC GELLMAN Funny”


410. Air Shot - a whiff or swinging and a miss. "Nice air shot, Bob."


411. Let’s go clubbing


412. “Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.” Dave Hill


413. “I call golf “connect the sand trap.’ I can play four or five rounds without having the ball touch the grass once. JACK BENNY”


414. “If you’ve forgotten what frustration is like, spend 10 minutes on a golf course.” ― RobertM


415. “Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” ― Harry Vardon


416. “Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course — the distance between your ears.” —Bobby Jones


417. “God must have loved the Double Bogey Golfer because he made so many of them. HOLLIS ALPERT, IRA MOTHNER & HAROLD SCHO”


418. “In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.” ― Allan Sherman


419. I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy. – Tommy Bolt, US Open Champion 1958


420. Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing


421. “Golf is a good walk ruined.” – Harry Leon Wilson


422. Golfer: ‘You think my game has improved since you saw me last?’


423. “Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration. ” ‒ Colleen Ferrary Bader


424. Weedwhacker


425. A player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?” Coach: “You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”


426. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.


427. When I die, bury me on the course so my husband will visit


428. “When you have successfully overcome one bad habit, two others will immediately surface. – PEARL KLEIN”


429. “Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money. – LEE TREVINO”


430. “Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.” ― James Murray


431. Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots – but you have to play the ball where it lies. . Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots – but you have to play the ball where it lies.


432. “A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. ” — We’ll have whatever Mac O’Grady is smoking


433. I have to believe in myself. I know what I can do, what I can achieve. . I have to believe in myself. I know what I can do, what I can achieve.


434. “Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” ― Harvey Penick


435. As far as swing and techniques are concerned, I don’t know diddly squat. When I’m playing well, I don’t even take aim. . As far as swing and techniques are concerned, I don’t know diddly squat. When I’m playing well, I don’t even take aim.


436. “When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. – EVERY GOLFER’S WIFE”


437. “Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the players complain about it.” – Unknown


438. “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” — Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled.


439. “Golf is a funny game. It’s done much for health and at the same time, it has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I’m the healthiest idiot in the world. BOB HOPE”


440. “Swing hard in case you hit it. DAN MARINO”


441. Real pressure in golf is playing for $10 when you’ve only got $5 in your pocket


442. A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks


443. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. Keep a close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt. . These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. Keep a close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt.


444. It’s good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling


445. “Golf is the only sport where you can practice every day for six months and not get any better. LARRY DAVID Funny”


446. This game suits me to a tee


447. “Golf is a billion-dollar industry devoted entirely to hope. ” ‒ Deepak Chopra, ‘Golf For Enlightenment: The Seven Lessons For The Game Of Life’


448. “Do you play off scratch?” said one player.


449. The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller – American Actress


450. “It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it. – JACK NICKLAUS”


451. One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture


452. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. – Dean Martin, Singer & Actor


453. “If I knew what was going through Jack Nicklaus’ head, I would have won the Masters.”


454. If some players took a fork to their mouths the way they take the club back, they’d starve to death


455. Terms & Conditions Website built and designed by ballantineconsulting. com


456. “Like one's own children, golf has an uncanny way of endearing itself to us while at the same time evoking every weakness of mind and character, no matter how well hidden. ” ‒ Timothy Gallwey


457. “The only way of really finding out a man's true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself. ” ‒ P. G. Wodehouse


458. “The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.”


459. “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.” ― Sam Snead


460. Bye-bye birdie


461. This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win. . This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win.


462. “Consider the value of doing what you love and being paid for it! This is truly a golfer’s dream. ” ‒ Lorii Myres


463. Golf is the cruelest game because, eventually, it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around


464. “As we age, good shots fade, bad shots persist, and new “what the fuck” shots show up unexpectedly. MARC OSTROFSKY”


465. “The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” — George Deukmejian waxing prophetic.


466. “If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.” Lee Trevino.


467. “You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time.” ― Tony Lema


468. “If you’ve forgotten what frustration is like, spend 10 minutes on a golf course.”


469. “I've seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better. ” ‒ Stephen Leacock, ‘Leacock On Life’


470. Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well. – Craig Stadler, PGA Tour, 1982 Masters Champion


471. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” – Dave Barry


472. “Golf asks something of a man. It makes one loathe mediocrity. It seems to say, If you are going to keep company with me, don't embarrass me. ” ‒ Gary Player


473. “I am relying on the theory that playing golf is just like riding a bike and that I haven’t forgotten how.” ― Jennifer Wyatt


474. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow


475. “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” ― G. K. Chesterton


476. “You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. ” ‒ Lee Trevino


477. “Many golfers prefer a cart to a caddy because a cart can’t count, criticize or laugh.”


478. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer


479. “A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible. ” ‒ Jean Giraudoux, ‘The Doctor In The Enchanted: A Comedy In Three Acts’


480. “Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” ― John Updike


481. “Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. ” ‒ Winston S. Churchill


482. Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?


483. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. . Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.


484. Victory Lap - when a putt spins around the cup then falls in the hole - the ball is taking a victory lap.


485. “If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot.“


486. “My clubs are well used, but unfortunately not used well. – JACK BURRELL Aylormade”


487. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.”


488. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. ” — Raymond Floyd


489. I’m just here for the 19th hole


490. I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares! – Jack Lemmon, Actor & Comedian


491. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 50 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea of how to play.” – Gary Player


492. “If I Saw Myself In Clothes Like That, I’d Have To Kick My Own Ass.”


493. “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.”


494. I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right. - Ben Crenshaw


495. Never break your putter and your driver in the same round, or you’re dead


496. “Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course – the distance between your ears. ” – Bobby Jones


497. “I asked my good friend, Arnold Palmer, how I could get improve my game. He advised me to cheat! BOB HOPE”


498. Golfer: ‘I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course‘


499. “I’ve heard the winner of the Masters hosts the dinner. If I ever won it, there would be no suits, no ties and McDonalds.”


500. “Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it.”


501. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. – Jack Lemmon


502. Fuzzy Zoeller


503. “Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose.”


504. The best advice I can give for playing a ball out of water is – don’t


505. Golfer: ‘Please stop checking your watch, it’s very distracting’


506. “As all souls are equal before their Maker, a two inch putt counts the same as a 250 yard drive. There is a comedy in this and a certain unfairness even, which makes golf an even apter mirror of reality.” ― John Updike


507. “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.” – Lee Trevino


508. “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” – John Updike


509. “We learn so many things from golf—how to suffer, for instance.” —Bruce Lansky


510. I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead


511. Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine. . Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine.


512. “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods


513. “Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.” ― Harvey Penick


514. “I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.” ― Bob Hope


515. You had me at golf


516. “I spend more time in the woods than Red Riding Hood. ANDY CROSBY”


517. The more you play it, the less you know about it


518. “You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” — Lee Trevino at his best.


519. “One thing about golf is you don’t know why you play bad and why you play good.” – George Archer


520. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top


521. It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. . It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.


522. “I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.”


523. “Golf is a game whose aim is to get a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.” – Winston Churchill


524. “EAT. SLEEP. GOLF REPEAT.”


525. “A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible.” ― Jean Giraudoux


526. Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent is, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work


527. A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water


528. “Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five.” — Paul Harvey calling every golfer out.


529. A recent survey said that a caddy lives the longest of all jobs. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there ever is a medical emergency, there is always a doctor nearby. – Unknown


530. “Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” – Jim Murray


531. “Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” ― Jen Kirkman


532. “I play golf like Cinderella. I never make it to the ball. -DON RICKLES”


533. “I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games. ” ‒ Ben Hogan


534. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. ” — Dean Martin, need we say more?


535. “Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” ― Tiger Woods


536. is afraid of the dark.


537. I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper


538. “A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole.” — We’ll have whatever Mac O’Grady is smoking.


539. “The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cannot improve your lie.” ― George Deukmejian


540. “Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.”


541. Less golf, said no one ever


542. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”


543. “As all souls are equal before their Maker, a two inch putt counts the same as a 250 yard drive. There is a comedy in this and a certain unfairness even, which makes golf an even apter mirror of reality. ” ‒ John Updike, ‘More Matter: Essays and Criticism’


544. “You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. ” — Lee Trevino at his best


545. “Play it as it lies” is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is “Wear it if it clashes. ”


546. “Mini-golf is a lot like life. It can be difficult. It can be rewarding. And there are windmills.” ― Joe Tessitore


547. The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing


548. “Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration.” ― Colleen Ferrary Bader


549. “Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.”


550. Many golfers prefer a cart to a caddy because a cart can’t count, criticize or laugh.


551. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ” ‒ Bob Hope


552. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree


553. “I Eat Pieces Of S*** Like You For Breakfast!”


554. “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” – G.K. Chesterton


555. “Consider the value of doing what you love and being paid for it! This is truly a golfer’s dream.” ― Lorii Myres


556. “A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists.” ― Thomas Boswell


557. John Updike, Author


558. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. – BRUCE CRAMPTON”


559. “To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.” ― P.G. Wodehouse


560. “Shut up and drive.” – Rihanna, “Shut Up and Drive”


561. “Swing hard, in case you hit it!”


562. “I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet. ” — Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this?


563. “Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly 40 years to discover that I can't play it. ” ‒ Ted Ray


564. “When discussing your golf round, a bad shot often becomes a good lie. – MARC OSTROFSKY”


565. “I don’t let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time” – Angelo Spagnolo


566. Golf hair – Don’t care!


567. Henny Youngman, Comedian


568. “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”


569. Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward. . Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.


570. Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.


571. Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five – Napolean Hill, American Author


572. Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun


573. Abominable snowman - a 9 on a hole (one worse than an 8!)


574. “Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ” ‒ John Updike


575. “Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player.” – Alice Cooper


576. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.


577. To some, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly


578. It’s so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one-foot putt and everybody is saying “Shhh” and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen-year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling. . It’s so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one-foot putt and everybody is saying “Shhh” and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen-year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling.


579. “Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?”


580. “An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.”


581. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has


582. “There’s a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. It’s to move on.” ― J.R. Rim


583. “IF YOU ARE READING THIS SIGN, YOU ARE 87 YARDS OFFLINE.”


584. “Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man’s sins.” ― James Barrett Reston


585. Snowman - an 8 on a hole


586. The most important shot in golf is the next one


587. There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf. – Andrew Perry, Sportswriter


588. A good golf partner is always slightly worse than you are – and that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.


589. “We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance. ” ‒ Bruce Lansky


590. “Golf is a worrier’s game, inward, concentrated, a matter of inches, invented by the same people who gave us Presbyterianism.” ― Robert Hass


591. “I’ve seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.” ― Stephen Leacock


592. I’ve always made a total effort, even when the odds seemed entirely against me. I never quit trying; I never felt that I didn’t have a chance to win. . I’ve always made a total effort, even when the odds seemed entirely against me. I never quit trying; I never felt that I didn’t have a chance to win.


593. “The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” ― Pete Dye


594. “The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can’t see him laughing.” – Phyllis Diller


595. “One minute you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.”


596. “I drove so badly today, my buddies put a ‘Student Driver’ sticker on the back of my golf cart. – BRIAN ROTT, Owner of CartMort”


597. “There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. ” ‒ Lee Trevino


598. Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. . Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.


599. Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose


600. Golf is a better game played downhill


601. Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.


602. Popeye - an iron or wedge shot with lots of "spinnage" (lots of spin)


603. “It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” — Hank Aaron, owner of 755 home runs and one amazing golf quote.


604. “The only thing a golfer needs is more light.” – Ben Hogan


605. I stepped on a rake. ” — Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice


606. “To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.”


607. Golf is a good walk spoiled


608. You know you’re on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do