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  • Jonno White

700 Best Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud (2023)

1. “The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer


2. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.


3. “If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine & yoga pants you’re doing it wrong.”


4. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau


5. ‘You never become a howling success by just howling.’ – Bob Harrington


6. “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist


7. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” – Bill Gates


8. “May your Sunday be full of fun and laughter.” – Kate Summers


9. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”


10. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~ Jack Handey


11. “Fridays are the hardest in some ways: you’re so close to freedom.” — Lauren Oliver


12. “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”


13. Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.


14. As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.


15. “It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


16. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” ~ Bobby Bouche


17. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”~ Joan Collins


18. ‘All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.’ – Aristotle


19. “Its always difficult to keep Fridays confined within themselves..they tend to spill over..” ― Parag Tipnis


20. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.


21. “Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?”


22. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” ~ Dorothy Parker


23. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain


24. ‘Failure is not an option-it comes bundled with the software.’ – Unknown


25. “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus