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700 Best Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud (2023)

1. “The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer


2. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.


3. “If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine & yoga pants you’re doing it wrong.”


4. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau


5. ‘You never become a howling success by just howling.’ – Bob Harrington


6. “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist


7. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” – Bill Gates


8. “May your Sunday be full of fun and laughter.” – Kate Summers


9. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”


10. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~ Jack Handey


11. “Fridays are the hardest in some ways: you’re so close to freedom.” — Lauren Oliver


12. “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”


13. Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.


14. As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.


15. “It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


16. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” ~ Bobby Bouche


17. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”~ Joan Collins


18. ‘All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.’ – Aristotle


19. “Its always difficult to keep Fridays confined within themselves..they tend to spill over..” ― Parag Tipnis


20. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.


21. “Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?”


22. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” ~ Dorothy Parker


23. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain


24. ‘Failure is not an option-it comes bundled with the software.’ – Unknown


25. “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus


26. “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” – Dr. Seuss


27. “It’s bad luck to begin work on Fridays.” ― Southern Mothers


28. “Monday isn’t that bad to be honest, What makes it bad is living in it.” – Day


29. “Why does winter feel like one big Tuesday?” – Todd Stocker


30. ‘One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.’ – Bertrand Russel


31. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch


32. “I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain


33. “Monday is great for becoming too busy to die.” – Roy Station


34. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde


35. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin


36. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor


37. “Saturday mornings, I’ve learned, are a great opportunity for kids to sneak into your bed, fall back asleep, and kick you in the face.” — Dan Pearce


38. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell


39. “Sunday evenings often feel like the weekend is over before it’s even begun.” – Catherine McCormack


40. “Come, thou monarch of the vine, Plumpy Bacchus with pink eyne!”


41. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.


42. “I’d take half an argument over half a silence any day. And I’d take peace and quiet over a full-blown argument any other day unless it’s Tuesday.” – Will Advise


43. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.


44. ‘The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.’ – Denise Miller


45. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford


46. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”~ W. C. Fields


47. “Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside—remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.” — Charles Bukowski


48. “It’s Friday! Time to go make stories for Monday.”


49. “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


50. “People are prisoners of their phone… that’s why it’s called a “cell phone.” ~ Invajy


51. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” ~ Charlie Brown


52. “I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst


53. ‘The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.’ – Joseph Stilwell


54. “You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Happy birthday!” – Unknown


55. “The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist.


56. ‘Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?’ – J. Paul Getty


57. “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


58. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown


59. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”~ Groucho Marx


60. “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!” ~ Anonymous


61. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” ~ Josh Billings


62. “I’m easy like Sunday morning.” — Commodores


63. A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.


64. “If manhood, good manhood, be not forgotten upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring (a herring which has spawned).”


65. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W.C. Fields


66. “I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Unknown


67. “The next morning dawned bright and sweet, like ribbon candy.“ — Sarah Addison Allen


68. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”~ Groucho Marx


69. “This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.” – Douglas Adams


70. “Can I come in?


71. “I don’t want it good. I want it Tuesday.” – Jack L. Warner


72. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote


73. “I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”


74. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller


75. “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses


76. “Sunday, the day for the language of leisure.” – Elfriede Jelinek


77. “I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee.” – Unkown


78. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler


79. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” ~ Wanda


80. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” ~ Oscar Wilde


81. “There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”


82. “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”


83. “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown


84. “People still act differently on a Saturday night for no reason other than it’s Saturday night.” — Susan Orleans


85. “I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress


86. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”~ Andy Rooney


87. “Why it's simply impassible!


88. “I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress


89. “‘It’s been a long week’ — Me, in the middle of Tuesday.”


90. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth


91. “Turned all my Ls into lessons.” – Cardi B


92. Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.


93. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker


94. “Margaritas in the moonlight, Just another American Saturday night.” — Brad Paisley


95. Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.


96. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” ~ Clairee Belcher


97. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.


98. People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.


99. “You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.” – Unknown


100. ‘The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.’ – Wernher von Braun


101. Reality continues to ruin my life.


102. Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.


103. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White


104. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown


105. “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” – Jonathan Safran Foer


106. “You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White


107. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope


108. ‘Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock.’ –Pablo Picass0


109. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. Schulz


110. “It’s Friday morning mankind! Good vibe, don’t frown and let the monster see you smile!” — Napz Cherub Pellazo


111. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star


112. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author


113. Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.


114. “Waiting for Wednesday.” – Lisa Loeb


115. “To quote Shakespeare: ‘Party thine ass off!’” – Unknown


116. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” ~ Henny Youngman


117. “It was like trying to break up with the color orange, or Wednesday, or silent e. It was the most passionate and tumultuous relationship I’d ever known.” – Rob Sheffield


118. “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)


119. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends


120. “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron


121. “I don’t like Mondays, especially if they occur on Fridays.” – Jarod Kintz


122. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”~ George Carlin


123. “Oh! It’s Friday again. Share the love that was missing during the week. In a worthy moment of peace and bliss.” — S. O’Sade


124. “A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.” – Demetri Martin


125. “If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” – H. G. Wells


126. “If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays!” – John Wagner


127. “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author


128. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” ~ Rita Mae Brown


129. “Saturday night’s alright for fighting, Get a little action in” — Elton John


130. “It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.”


131. “I do desire we may be better strangers”


132. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz


133. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” ~ David Letterman


134. “Every dogma has its day.” – Anthony Burgess


135. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket


136. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. ”~ Albert Einstein


137. When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'


138. “Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy


139. “Villain, I have done thy mother.”


140. “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” ~ Mike Bechtle


141. “Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.” – Garry Moll


142. “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”~ Oscar Levant


143. “Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin


144. Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.


145. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”~ Ashleigh Brilliant


146. “Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” – Will Rogers


147. “Your Monday is not going to be like Saturday; the emotions are going to be different.” – Jean Grae


148. My dad has a suit just like that.


149. “Thine face is not worth sunburning.”


150. “Feeling blessed, never stressed. Got that sunshine on my Sunday best.” — Surfaces, “Sunday Best”


151. “Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.” – George Leedy


152. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ~ Mindy Kaling


153. “He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic


154. “Today is Friday night, which means that the only decision that you should be making is whether to have a bottle or a glass of wine.”


155. “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author


156. “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde


157. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” ~ Cynthia Heimel


158. I drink to make other people more interesting.


159. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear)


160. You're wearing that?


161. “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK


162. “Tuesday is a good day, you survived Monday. And tomorrow is Wednesday, half way through your work week!” – Kate Summers


163. “Let me wake up next to you, have coffee in the morning and wander through the city with your hand in mine, and I’ll be happy for the rest of my little life.” – Charlotte Eriksson


164. “Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"


165. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale


166. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard


167. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle


168. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Happy birthday!” – Unknown


169. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield


170. I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.


171. “The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.” – Eleanor Roosevelt


172. “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician.


173. I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.


174. “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author


175. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director


176. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”~ Gertrude Stein


177. ‘Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes.’ – Henry Thoreau


178. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” ~ Noelle Chatham


179. “It can’t be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays.” – George Weah


180. ‘Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.’ – Joseph Heller


181. “Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host


182. “Puns are the highest form of literature.”


183. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”~ Emo Philips


184. “Tuesday is neither here nor there in the hierarchy of the week.” – Anthony T. Hincks


185. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”


186. That man is hot. Look at him.


187. “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian


188. “Wednesdays are like Mondays in the middle of the week!” – Lee Fox Williams


189. “Like the song says, rainy days and Mondays always get ya down.” – Haruki Murakami


190. Don't be so humble — you are not that great.”


191. “What about Monday? That could be one day we look at things the same way and wear funny shoes.” – Kevin Dalton


192. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” ~ Homer Simpson


193. “Don’t follow your dreams, follow my Twitter: [insert Twitter handle].” – Unknown


194. “I like to think of myself less like ‘an adult’ and more like a ‘former fetus.’” – Anna Kendrick


195. “What do sharks do on Monday mornings? They get up and start biting. That’s me.” – Gemma Collins


196. “The funniest people are the saddest ones”


197. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn


198. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” —Noelle Chatham


199. “Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life because you become what you believe.” – Oprah Winfrey


200. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” ~ Casey Stengel


201. “The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” – Robert Brault


202. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.


203. “What the hell is that?" I laughed.


204. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”~ Groucho Marx


205. “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous


206. “I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist


207. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert


208. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” ~ Anonymous


209. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln


210. “Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” – Unknown


211. ‘Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.’ – Earl Wilson


212. “Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.”~ Enid Blyton


213. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” ~ Joan Rivers


214. A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.


215. “You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you’re excited for the day? That’s one of my main goals in life.” – Kirsten Dunst


216. “Thursday comes and the week’s gone.” – George Herbert


217. I've had great success being a total idiot.


218. “The only good Monday is a Monday in bed” – Lee Horton


219. “The days were heavy and sticky. All identical, one the same as the other. Soon they would even get rid of their one remaining distinction, the shell of their names: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.” – Ismail Kadaré


220. “I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”


221. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John Wayne


222. “Love me like Saturday night, like three glasses of champagne, like the room is spinning, like you’re drunk on my love.” — C.J. Carlyon


223. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor


224. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.


225. The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.


226. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson


227. “On Wednesdays we wear pink.” – Mean Girls


228. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates


229. ‘If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.’ – Woody Allen


230. “Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”


231. “Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher


232. “You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey


233. ‘Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. – Lewis Grizzard


234. Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.


235. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel


236. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain


237. “Thursday is perhaps the worst day of the week. It’s nothing in itself; it just reminds you that the week has been going on too long” – Nicci French


238. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright


239. “Don’t let a day of the week have so much power over your happiness. Happy Monday!” – Andrea L’Artiste


240. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle


241. “Thinking about happy times on a Tuesday is like going to the beach when there is no sun.” – Alain Bremond-Torrent


242. “Instant gratification takes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher


243. “The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” —Stephen King


244. Something smells funny.


245. “I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.” — Anna Scott


246. ‘Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues.’ – David Ogilvy


247. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” —Dave Barry


248. “I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning and there I am just laughing my head off.” – Bruce Willis


249. You're how old?”


250. “Every Friday, I like to high five ourselves for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, will power, and inappropriate humour.” — Nanea Hoffman


251. “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller


252. “The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis


253. When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.


254. “Time flows in a strange way on Sundays.” – Haruki Murakami


255. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” ~ Jane Wagner


256. “Music always sounds better on Friday.” ― Lou Brutus


257. “‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick


258. ‘By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.’ – Robert Frost


259. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”


260. “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author


261. “Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.” – Jack Ma


262. “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale


263. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant


264. “Weekends welcome warriors for social fun that starts on Friday.” — David Chiles


265. “I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer


266. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…


267. “Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.’” —Michael Mcrae


268. You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.


269. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”~ Don Marquis


270. I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.


271. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.


272. All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.


273. I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.


274. “May your Thursday feel like pancakes and coffee on a Saturday morning.”


275. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill


276. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain


277. ‘Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful.’ – Benjamin Disraeli


278. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”


279. “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers


280. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor


281. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.


282. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.


283. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”~ Oliver Herford


284. “You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.” – Irish Saying


285. “The awfulness of Monday mornings is the world’s greatest common denominator. To the millionaire and the coolie it is the same, because there can be nothing worse.” – Kenneth Fearing


286. “Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.”


287. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.


288. “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)


289. You're going to order that? Seriously?


290. “Inconceivable!"


291. “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain


292. “I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age – which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.” – Noel Coward


293. “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres


294. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”~ Desmond Morris


295. ‘The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde


296. “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


297. If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”


298. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ~ Mitch Hedberg


299. “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” ~ Don Herold


300. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”


301. “A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”


302. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”~ Mark Twain


303. “This woman’s an easy glove, my lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.”


304. Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.


305. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.


306. “Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired.” – Michel Tournier


307. “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” ~ Gore Vidal


308. Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.


309. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” ~ Larry


310. “Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star


311. “It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view.” – Dalai Lama


312. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”~ Jay Leno


313. “Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.” – Unknown


314. “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” – Benjamin Franklin


315. “The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” – Marge Kennedy


316. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”~ Cullen Hightower


317. “By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist


318. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”~ James Thurber


319. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”~ Denis Waitley


320. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try management.’ – Unknown


321. “Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.” ― D.S. Mixel


322. “After Tuesday, even the calendar goes W – T – F.”


323. “Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.


324. “It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” – Lew Schneider


325. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”~ Groucho Marx


326. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams


327. People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass.


328. Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.


329. “The bell doesn’t dismiss you.” – Teachers


330. “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown


331. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld


332. “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” – Abraham Lincoln


333. ‘Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.’ – George Burns


334. “Sunday! A family day with a touch of weekend thrown in for good measure.” — Anthony T. Hincks


335. “Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today please?”


336. “Don't gobblefunk around with words.”


337. There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.


338. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson


339. “The four most important words in any marriage—I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown


340. “Monday is for people with a mission.” – Christina Imre


341. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton


342. “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”


343. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell


344. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.


345. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Shulz


346. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou


347. “Life must be terrible for working people, considering they spend every Friday night celebrating a two-day break from it.” — Robert Black


348. “There are no miracles on Mondays.” – Amy Neftzger


349. “Everyday is Monday….till Friday.” – Viktor VolksPrater


350. “Don’t mess with anybody on a Monday. It’s a bad, bad day.” – Louise Fitzhugh


351. “Sundays are like confetti floating in the air in slow motion, in the evening they reach the ground and you hope a bit of wind could blow on them so they could fly a bit longer.” – Alain Bremond-Torrent


352. “My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” – Unknown


353. ‘Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen


354. “Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade.”


355. ‘Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.’ – The Office


356. The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.


357. “I cannot go to school today"


358. “If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.” — James Johnson


359. “Not for nothing is their motto TGIF – ‘Thank God It’s Friday.’ They live for the weekends when they can go do what they want to do.” — Richard Nelson Bolles


360. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer


361. “Addiction – when you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.” – Nikki Sixx


362. ‘Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.’ – TS Eliot


363. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” ~ Frank Semyon


364. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”~ Bill Maher


365. “If I love you Wednesday, what is that to you? I do not love you Thursday; so much is true.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay


366. ‘Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.’ – Dilbert


367. “Sunday is the day when I prepare for the week ahead by making improbable To-Do lists and browsing Pinterest for ideas on how to decorate my imaginary mansion.” – Nanea Hoffman


368. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain


369. Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?


370. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb


371. “Headline?" he asked.


372. “The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia


373. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.


374. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.


375. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” ~ Dr. Peter Venkman


376. “When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.” – Ella Woodward


377. “I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target.” – Unknown


378. “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”


379. “When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.” – John Wyndham


380. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”~ David Lee Roth


381. ‘Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.’ – Napoleon Bonaparte


382. “Thou art as fat as butter.”


383. “Every morning, I wake up saying, ‘I’m still alive, a miracle.’ And so I keep on pushing.” — Jim Carrey


384. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.


385. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.


386. “This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.” – Lisa Mantchev


387. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”


388. “It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.” – Demetri Martin


389. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.’ – Quentin Crisp


390. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar.


391. “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher


392. Instant gratification takes too long.


393. “Without Saturday, Sunday would just be another day of the week.” — Anthony T. Hincks


394. “It’s a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.” — Jimmy Buffett


395. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein


396. “It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang


397. I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde.


398. “Mine eyes smell onions.”


399. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown


400. People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.


401. “Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.


402. “What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”


403. ‘Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.’ – Andrew Young


404. “Home may be where the heart is but it’s no place to spend Wednesday afternoon.” – Walker Percy


405. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” ~ Anonymous


406. “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams


407. “Friday afternoon feels like heaven…” ― El Fuego


408. You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.


409. “In my life long study of human beings, I have found that no matter how hard they try, they have found no way yet to prevent the arrival of Monday morning. And they do try, of course, but Monday always comes, and all the drones have to scuttle back to their dreary workday lives of meaningless toin and suffering.” – Jeff Lindsay


410. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” ~ Anonymous


411. It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.


412. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde


413. “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great. – Zig Ziglar


414. “Oh, my sweet Saturday, I have been waiting for you for six long days.” — Charmaine J. Forde


415. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.


416. “I wish that every day was Saturday and every month was October.” — Charmaine J. Forde


417. “I hate the radio this time of year because they play 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”


418. “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”


419. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde


420. “Poetry is truth in its Sunday clothes.” – Philibert Joseph Roux


421. “But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”


422. “If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin


423. “Tuesday just called and wants to know what happened to Friday!” – Neil Leckman


424. “Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author


425. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”~ Alan Dundes


426. “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Mark Twain


427. “I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” —Larry Timmons


428. “Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous


429. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”~ George Carlin


430. “There live not three good men unhanged in England: and one of them is fat.”


431. ‘Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.’ – Rita Mae Brown


432. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” ~ Damien Fahey


433. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin


434. ‘Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.’ – Savielly Tartakower


435. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.


436. “Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” – Benjamin Franklin


437. The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.


438. “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” – Peter Drucker


439. “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’” – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh


440. “I wonder how to turn water into wine. Happy thirsty Thursday.”


441. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” ~ Caroline Rhea


442. I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural.


443. ‘Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.’ – Doug Larson


444. “A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James


445. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley


446. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.


447. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis


448. “I must break the routines and become a person who becomes productive every Monday. I must break the mindset of unhappiness and turn myself into a happy magnet for Mondays.” – Leggy Saul


449. “I believe that it is a mandatory Law of the Universe that on Fridays, you have to do something a little fun.” — Hanna Rhoades


450. “We’re gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light, It’s a small town Saturday night” – Hal Ketchum


451. ‘Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?’ – Steve Jobs


452. “Sunday?! But, I wasn’t done with Saturday yet…”


453. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.


454. “The goal of Sunday is to leave my home as little as possible.” – Mark Morris


455. Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!


456. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.


457. “So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.” – Unknown


458. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer


459. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis


460. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~ Billy Wilde


461. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.. —George Burns


462. “We’re gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light, It’s a small town Saturday night” — Hal Ketchum


463. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” – Steven Wright


464. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.


465. “I must to the barber’s, monsieur; for methinks, I am marvellous hairy about the face: and I am such a tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.”


466. The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.


467. “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery


468. “You are as a candle, the better burnt out.”


469. “I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer


470. “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen


471. “On Wednesday they’re feelin’ fine again, And they’re workin’ like a dog and diggin’ in.” – Johnny Cash


472. “So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends – but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.” – Julio Alexi Genao


473. “Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows”


474. “…By the time Thursday rolls around, you stay in, and you work, and you don’t go out because it’s horrible.” – El-P


475. “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”


476. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner


477. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti


478. “My job is to give people who work hard all week something to enjoy on Saturdays and Wednesdays.” – Arsene Wenger


479. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov


480. “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” ~ Malcolm Forbes


481. “I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson


482. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”


483. ‘I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.’ – Abraham Maslow


484. “It’s not Saturday, it’s Satur-yay!”


485. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office


486. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.


487. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese


488. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humourist


489. “My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on tv and eating.” — Alan King


490. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln


491. “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis


492. “I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."


493. ‘I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.’- Bill Gates


494. “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich


495. “You’re not forty, you’re eighteen with twenty-two years experience.” – Unknown


496. “Saturdays are for adventures, Sundays are for cuddling.”


497. “Perv."498. I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?


499. “Go, prick thy face and over-red thy fear,


500. Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.


501. “If Tuesday were a movie, it would be called Monday Part:2.”


502. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” ~ Lucille Ball


503. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”~ A. A. Milne


504. “Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.”


505. “Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”


506. “The roof is not my son, but I will raise it.” – Unknown


507. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’” ~ Yogi Berra


508. Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.


509. “Sunday just came down like a nine-pound hammer … it was tainted with the closing-in feeling of the loss of freedom. Because after the sun went down, it came back up on Monday morning. And you had to go to work five more days. And it sucked.” – Larry Brown


510. I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.


511. ‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey


512. ‘Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson


513. So this is my life — until I win the lottery.


514. “Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”- Jarod Kintz


515. I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.


516. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ~ Noel Coward


517. “My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.’” —Emilia Clarke


518. ‘It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.’ – Muhammad Ali


519. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown


520. Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.


521. “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana


522. “Candy is natures way of making up for Mondays.” – Rebecca Gober


523. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres


524. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher


525. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”~ Jackie Mason


526. ‘I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.’ – Franklin D. Roosevelt


527. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.. —Jerry Seinfeld


528. Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos.


529. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin


530. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey


531. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking


532. “If I could, I’d give up Mondays to have her love again. Actually, forget her love, I’d give up Mondays for free.” – Jarod Kintz


533. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron


534. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.” – Unknown


535. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”


536. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.


537. “Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”


538. Where's the Tylenol?


539. “On Wednesday, when the sky is blue, and I have nothing else to do, I sometimes wonder if it’s true that who is what and what is who.” – Winnie the Pooh


540. “There is no point in learning on a Tuesday when on a Thursday it might be completely different.” – Alycia Debnam-Carey


541. I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!!


542. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”~ Kin Hubbard


543. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson


544. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin


545. ‘Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.’ – Unknown


546. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck


547. “Welp, glad that’s over.” – Unknown


548. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner


549. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey


550. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” ~ Oscar Wilde


551. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.


552. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


553. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”~ Dr. Seuss


554. “People kept saying ‘Go Corona’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.” ~ Invajy


555. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~ Abraham Lincoln


556. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”~ Dale Carnegie


557. “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” – Ralph Marston


558. “You’re doing amazing, sweetie!” – Kris Jenner


559. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis


560. “Harry & Meghan” Part 2 Trailer Just Dropped


561. “When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.” – Dane Cook


562. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ~ Groucho Marx


563. Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.


564. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” ~ Mark Twain


565. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” ~ Mark Twain


566. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~ Dalai Lama


567. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin


568. “I told myself that I was going to live the rest of my life as if it were Saturday.” — Chip Gaines


569. “Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer


570. “Don’t get all weird about getting older! Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us!” – Unknown


571. “It’s 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?” ― Amy Neftzger


572. “It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower


573. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”~ Norman Wisdom


574. “The frantic pace of life is only interrupted by the quietness of Sunday.” – Byron Pulsifer


575. “SUNDAY – The day I planned a lot but did nothing.” – Lovely Goyal


576. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous


577. “Without Sunday, I wouldn’t know when to put on the brakes of a hurtling life.” – Byron Pulsifer


578. “There were many reasons to regard Saturday as the second best day after Friday.” — R. Phillip Ritter


579. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth


580. “A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.’” —Roy Hartley


581. “Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today and you make your tomorrow.” – L. Ron Hubbard


582. When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.


583. ‘Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels’ –Unknown


584. “Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”


585. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”


586. “This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”


587. “You Banbury cheese!”


588. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” ~ Les Dawson


589. “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schulz


590. “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”


591. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” ~ Bob Hope


592. “Pain is temporary, GPA is forever” – Unknown


593. “You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.” – Catherine Pulsifer


594. “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” —Sheila Lee


595. “The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep.” – Rumi


596. “Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla (Source)


597. “If they want to learn how to live life right they ought to study me on Saturday night.” — Maya Angelou


598. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell


599. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.


600. “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"


601. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” ~ Ace Ventura


602. I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.


603. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” ~ Rose (Betty White)


604. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” ~ Lt. Frank Drebin


605. “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”


606. “Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic


607. “Sundays tend to be a day where just I do nothing but visit people. It’s kind of like trick-or-treating.” – Chuck Palahniuk


608. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”– Elbert Hubbard


609. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” ~ Matt Wohlfarth


610. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”~ Lana Turner


611. “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” – Bil Keane


612. “I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?"


613. “Goodbye, everyone! I’ll remember you all in therapy.” – Plankton, Spongebob


614. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author


615. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” ~ Halley Reed


616. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt


617. “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood


618. “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist


619. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous


620. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”


621. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” ~Will Ferrell


622. “We put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional” – Unknown


623. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”


624. Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.


625. “Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!”


626. “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” – Albert Einstein


627. “Life is like Friday on a soap opera. It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up on Monday.” – Stephen King


628. “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld


629. “God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”~ Meister Eckhart


630. “I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”


631. “If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.” – Unknown


632. Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.