200 Best Sarcastic New Year Quotes: Have A Funny 2023

1. “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” —Unknown

2. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” Bill Vaughn

3. “Have told so many friends “Don’t worry, New Year will be better!“. I love misguiding people.” Nitya Prakash

4. “May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the New Year, dear.”

5. ”Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?”

6. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.”

7. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” - F.Scott Fitzgerald

8. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” —Bill Vaughan

9. “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” Aleister Crowley

10. “If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.”

11. My New Year's resolution is 1080 pixels.

12. “May this new year bring you closer to the people you love, help you grow as a person, and bring you all the good things you’ve been hoping for.”

13. “People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.”

14. “So excited for you guys to ruin another year of your life. Have a merry and Happy New Year.” —Unknown

15. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

16. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions!

17. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” —P.J. O’Rourke

18. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul

19. “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” —Aleister Crowley

20. “Cheers to those who are walking into 2023 single. Happy New Year!!”

21. “This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.” —Melanie White

22. Thank u, next.

23. This New Year’s, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.

24. Sorry for all the annoying behavior I did through the year. May you give me another chance to do that in the next New Year!

25. “I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.”

26. Sorry in advance for writing "2020" on everything for the next six months.

27. “My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.”

28. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” - Joey Adams

29. People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

30. What did Adam say to Eve on Dec. 31?

31. “My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.”

32. 365 days come with a multitude of experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant.

33. Forty-five percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions.

34. Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?

35. “My New Year’s resolution is to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” ~ Hunar Hali

36. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” William Thomas

37. “I’m still the same person I was last year—now I’m just hung over.”

38. “I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Year’s resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have ‘til December, right?” ~ Catherine O’Hara

39. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” —Charlie Brown

40. “Wishing you a bright and beautiful 2023, filled with love, laughter, and all the things that bring you joy.”

41. “What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.” ~ Diogenes. (Can’t wait for your NYE party!)

42. My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.

43. “What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security.”

44. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” Bill Vaughan

45. “May this New Year bring you more problems, more tears and more pains. Don’t get me wrong. I just want you to be a stronger person.” —Unknown

46. “I would quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” Unknown

47. ”New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.”

48. What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve?

49. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’”

50. “I don’t have a new year’s resolution you don’t need that crap when you’re perfect.”

51. “I doubt you can have a truly wild party without liquor.” ~ Carl Sandburg

52. “May 2023 be the year that you finally achieve your goals, crush your resolutions, and live your best life.”

53. “New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.”

54. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

55. “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”

56. 2020, you're toast.

57. “Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” —William Shakespeare

58. “Tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” —Prince

59. “Happy New Year! May 2023 be a year full of blessings, good fortune, and all the things you’ve been hoping for.”

60. “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” —Dave Beard

61. “Happy New Year! Let’s toast to a year full of adventures, new experiences, and endless possibilities.”

62. I don’t have a new year’s resolution you don’t need that crap when you’re perfect.

63. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

64. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”

65. “The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution, and I’ll try not to laugh as I did in the last year.”

66. “Here’s to a new year, a fresh start, and all the adventures that are waiting for us.”

67. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” —Joey Adams

68. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments in this New Year!!”

69. I hope you will not spend the first day of the new year sleeping on the couch. May God give you the strength to fight with laziness. Happy new year!

70. “’Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” ~ Andy Borowitz

71. “This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution to never be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.” ~ Melanie White

72. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”

73. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” Oscar Wilde

74. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic. Like I won’t screw that up right away.”

75. “Ah, New Year’s Eve. The evening of little miracles. The hope of better days, of fresh starts, and perhaps, if you are very lucky, a kiss.” ~ Beau Taplin

76. “We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.”

77. “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”

78. The first New Year’s celebration dates back 4,000 years

79. “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

80. “Happy New Year! Here’s to hoping that this year brings you all the happiness, success, and joy you deserve.”

81. “Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year everybody.”

82. “Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.”

83. “You’d be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth. Happy New Year!”

84. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” ~ F.M. Knowles

85. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”

86. “New Year’s resolution: to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate

87. “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” —Mark Twain

88. What's the luckiest band to listen to on New Year's Day?

89. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!

90. “A year from now, you’re gonna weigh more or less what you do right now.” ~ Phil McGraw

91. “May this new year bring you closer to your loved ones, help you grow as a person, and bring you happiness and success.”

92. “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain

93. “May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions.” Joey Adams

94. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” ~ Bill Vaughn

95. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead in this New Year.”

96. “I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” —Anaïs Nin

97. “‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” —Andy Borowitz

98. “Happy New Year! Here’s to hoping that 2023 is a year full of adventures, new experiences, and endless possibilities.”

99. “New Year’s Day — now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” Mark Twain

100. “Happy New Year! Let’s make 2023 a year to remember (for all the right reasons).”

101. “Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.” Mark Twain

102. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, ‘Wow! What a Ride!’” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

103. “I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Year’s resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have ’til December, right?” Catherine O’Hara

104. “Many years ago, I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” ~ Dave Beard.

105. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” ~ William E. Vaugn

106. “‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.”

107. “I would say ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” —Robert Clark

108. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.” —Judith Christ

109. Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.

110. “Wishing you a New Year that’s bubbly, sparkly, and full of all the things that make you smile.”

111. “The proper behaviour all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk, you kiss the person you’re married to.” ~ P.J. O’Rourke

112. ”I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they’d get a Bloody Mary.”

113. “Don’t expect any New Year’s resolutions from me. I plan on staying the same awkward, sarcastic, foul-mounted delight, that you have all come to know and love!”

114. “Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” —Ogden Nash

115. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” —Farquhar McGillivray Knowles

116. “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” - Mark Twain

117. “Here’s to hoping that 2023 is a year full of sunshine, rainbows, and all the things that bring you joy.”

118. “What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!”

119. “Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst… Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!”

120. “Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.”

121. May this New Year bring actual change in you – not the recurrence of old habits in a new package.

122. “May 2023 be the year that all your wildest dreams come true.”

123. “Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.”

124. “Here’s to hoping that 2023 is a year full of laughter, love, and all the good stuff (and none of the bad stuff).”

125. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” Charlie Brown

126. “Every New Year’s I have the same questions: ‘How did I get home?’” ~ Melanie White

127. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’” —Melanie White

128. “May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the New Year, dear.” ~ Unknown.

129. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” ~ Charlie Brown

130. Page 1 of 365.

131. “If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.” —Robert Fulghum

132. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

133. This Year may your hair and teeth, your face-lift, abs and stocks not fall, may your blood pressure, your cholesterol, white blood count and mortgage interest not rise.

134. “Cheer’s to another year of resolutions we won’t finish. Happy New Year!”

135. “Wishing you a fantastic 2023, full of laughter, love, and all the things that make you happy.”

136. “I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning, and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.”

137. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”

138. “Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.”

139. What does the little Champagne bottle call his father?

140. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.”

141. I wish you can resist temptation to gorge on burgers during snack breaks. Happy New Year!

142. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions!”

143. “May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the New Year, dear.” —Unknown

144. “My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.”

145. A fresh start. A new chapter in life waiting to be written. New questions to be asked, embraced, and loved. Answers to be discovered and then lived in this transformative year of delight and self-discovery.

146. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughn

147. I've got 2021 vision.

148. “My new year’s resolution was going to be that i would stop being sarcastic, but dammit, I’m no quitter.”

149. “Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year everybody.” —Phyllis McGinley

150. “New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.” ~ Jay Leno

151. “Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?”

152. About 1 million people gather in New York City’s Times Square to watch the ball drop.

153. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” —William Thomas

154. “Wishing you a happy and healthy 2023, filled with love, laughter, and all the good vibes.”

155. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” —Oscar Wilde

156. “Dear Luck, …..can we be friends in 2023 Please?”

157. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” - Unknown

158. “Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst… Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!” —Ogden Nash

159. “This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.” Melanie White

160. “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”

161. I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say I ordered this a year ago, lol.

162. “Wishing you a fantastic 2023, full of blessings, good fortune, and all the things you’ve been hoping for.”

163. “Sometimes a year has been so disastrous and so terrible that entering a new year will automatically mean entering a wonderful year!” —Mehmet Murat İldan

164. “My New Year’s resolution usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.” ~ Nia Vardalos

165. “I love it when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.”

166. According to statistics from the National Insurance Crime Bureau, vehicles are stolen on New Year’s Day more than on any other holiday.

167. “Sometimes a year has been so disastrous and so terrible that entering a new year will automatically mean a wonderful year!” ~ Mehmet Murat İldan

168. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

169. Why did 2022 go by in a blur?

170. “New Year’s resolution: to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

171. “You can get excited about the future. The past won’t mind.” Hillary DePiano

172. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.”

173. “What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t even happened yet.” - Anne Frank

174. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” —Unknown

175. “New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.” —Unknown

176. “I have no way of knowing how people really feel, but the vast majority of those I meet couldn’t be nicer. Every once in a while someone barks at me. My New Year’s resolution is not to bark back.” ~ Tucker Carlson.

177. “My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.” —Nia Vardalos

178. “I would say ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.”

179. “Here’s to a fresh start, a clean slate, and all the opportunities that the new year brings.”

180. “Thank u, next.” —Me to 2022

181. “This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.”

182. “New years are like pages in a book that’s so boring. You always think that the next page will be interesting, but it turns out to be the same every time. Happy New Year!” —Unknown

183. “May 2023 be the year that you achieve your goals, pursue your passions, and live life to the fullest.”

184. “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” —Benjamin Franklin

185. “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” ~ Mark Twain

186. “My New Year’s Resolution List usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.” Nia Vardalos

187. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.” —Anonymous

188. “Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.” —Barbara Walters

189. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”

190. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.”

191. “I’m still the same person I was last year—now I’m just hung over.” —Unknown

192. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.”

193. Why did the woman start making breakfast at 11:59 p.m. on December 31? She wanted a New Year's toast.

194. “The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution, and I’ll try not to laugh as I did in the last year.” —Unknown

195. “I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Anonymous

196. “8 p.m. is the new midnight!” —Unknown

197. “My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.”

198. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.”

199. “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.” ~ David Bowie

200. “New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” James Agate

201. My resolution was to read more...

202. “My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.” —Zach Galifianakis

203. “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” —Oprah Winfrey

204. “Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.“ —Anonymous

205. 365 new days. 365 new excuses.

206. Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

207. “So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” —Prince

208. “It’s officially New Year’s Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.”

209. “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.”

210. My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

211. “Tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” ~ Prince

212. Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve?