1. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
2. “They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!!” – Unknown
3. Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!
4. “He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
5. I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.
6. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Winston Churchill.
7. Without geometry, life is pointless.
8. Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times.
9. Computers will understand sarcasm before Americans do.
10. This music won't do. There's not enough sarcasm in it.
11. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
12. “What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.” ― Fred Allen
13. People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world. - Anonymous
14. Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
15. We are suffering from too much sarcasm.
16. One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.
17. There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?
18. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns
19. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” –Henny Youngman
20. “What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley
21. “Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.” ― Oscar Wilde
22. “The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.” – Oscar Wilde
23. “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” -Alice Roosevelt Longworth
24. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
25. “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” — Patrick Murray
26. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege. - Anonymous
27. Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? - John Barrymore
28. Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.
29. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
30. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
31. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
32. Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
33. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
34. I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life. - Anonymous
35. I see all these moms who can do everything, and I think... I should have them do some stuff for me.
36. My natural-born sarcasm, when it's unimpeded, can be a bit overbearing at times and I'm the first to admit that.
37. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” –Groucho Marx
38. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield
39. When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'Plot Twist' and move on.
40. “A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.” – Lawrence G. Lovasik
41. Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too. - Anonymous
42. “You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.” – Unknown
43. “I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.” – Unknown
44. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. - W. C. Fields
45. “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” -Samuel Butler
46. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” – Unknown
47. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt
48. I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
49. “Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.” – Unknown
50. “Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.” –Johnny Carson
51. There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation. - Anonymous
52. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
53. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often. - Oliver Herford
54. A half-truth is a whole lie.
55. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” -Anthony Burgess
56. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. - Billy Wilder
57. “It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.” ― Paul Newman
58. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
59. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” ― Abba Eban
60. There are some people who come into your life pretending that they love you only because they need you.
61. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” -John Wayne
62. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” – Mahmoud Darwish
63. “My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.” – Unknown
64. The road to success is always under construction.
65. When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ - Sydney J. Harris
66. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
67. Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin
68. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” -Margaret Mead
69. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
70. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Unknown
71. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” — Joey Adams
72. “Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.” –Unknown
73. Always give 100%, except when giving blood.
74. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying..
75. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
76. “Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.” – Unknown
77. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” — Sir Winston Churchill
78. “At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
79. I am not young enough to know everything.
80. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. - Bill Murray
81. “To maintain a joyful family requires each member of the family to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.” — Pope John Paul II
82. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” –Unknown
83. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” — Natalie Wood
84. Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. - Anonymous
85. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
86. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
87. Well-behaved women seldom make history.
88. If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.
89. Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
90. My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
91. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. - Billy Sunday
92. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” — W. C. Fields
93. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. - John Wayne
94. You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.
95. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
96. He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
97. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
98. Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
99. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” — William James
100. Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.
101. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
102. There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.
103. “Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster, too.” — Lionel Kauffman
104. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
105. “Thanks for calling me to tell me that you just sent me an email.” –Unknown
106. It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull. - Anonymous
107. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”- Unknown
108. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.” – Unknown
109. No matter how bad it gets, I'm always rich at the dollar store.
110. A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. - George Bernard Shaw
111. “Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?” – Unknown
112. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” – Unknown
113. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
114. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” — Billy Connolly
115. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
116. “I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.” – Unknown
117. If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
118. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. - Steven Wright
119. “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” -James Thurber
120. Success is the best revenge. I always feel women should answer back either with their sarcasm or success.
121. It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
122. If you’re going through hell, keep going.
123. Tell me, is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted? - Anonymous
124. All the good ones are taken.
125. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. - Mitch Hedberg
126. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. - W. C. Fields
127. “There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” – Unknown
128. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
129. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
130. Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
131. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” — Drew Carey
132. The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.
133. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. - Bill Murray
134. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” –Lily Tomlin
135. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. - Woody Allen
136. Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.
137. “In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.” ― Ellen Glasgow
138. Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars, and makes people smile.
139. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
140. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark. - Anonymous
141. “An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” –Unknown
142. The road to success is always under construction. - Lily Tomlin
143. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright
144. I am a bit sassy, with some sarcasm thrown into the mix, but stoic at the same time - and brash.
145. Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.
146. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
147. I've reached that age where my brain goes from 'You probably shouldn't say that' to 'What the hell, let's see what happens.'
148. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I’m possible!'
149. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. - Oscar Wilde
150. “There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” — Benjamin Spock
151. “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
152. “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr
153. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
154. “I don’t want to be with someone boring because I’m always laughing. I to play jokes on people and be sarcastic.” ― Ashley Benson
155. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’? - Anonymous
156. “Sarcasm is the protest of the weak.” – John Knowles
157. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. - Ashleigh Brilliant
158. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
159. “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” — Max Kauffmann
160. Luck is what you have leftover after you give 100 percent.
161. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
162. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill
163. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
164. Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
165. “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” — Robin Williams
166. “I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” –Groucho Marx
167. “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’” – Unknown
168. An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough. - Anonymous
169. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
170. Sarchotic: When you're so sarcastic, people aren't sure whether you're joking or whether you're just crazy.
171. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
172. The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. - Gore Vidal
173. I love the French for their sarcasm, their irony. I love them for their bad moods.
174. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
175. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
176. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
177. “I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.” – Unknown
178. “Don’t be humble… you’re not that great.” – Golda Meir
179. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
180. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. - Anonymous
181. Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
182. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. - Stephen Colbert
183. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood
184. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
185. “It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull. – Unknown
186. A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. - Eleanor Roosevelt
187. Spend your life doing strange things with weird people.
188. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
189. “People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.” ― Russell Baker
190. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - A. A. Milne
191. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” — P. J. O’Rourke
192. I don't like irony and sarcasm very much. But I do like it when you think someone is telling you a joke, and then you discover it's serious.
193. I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
194. “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” — Michael Levine
195. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
196. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
197. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
198. Let’s share, you’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.
199. Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.
200. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Al McGuire
201. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
202. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. - Will Rogers
203. I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways. - Anonymous
204. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. - Anonymous
205. If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
206. Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
207. I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
208. “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms
209. “He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.” ― Eddie Cantor
210. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
211. If you must make a noise, make it quietly. - Oliver Hardy
212. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers
213. I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work. - Anonymous
214. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
215. “True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.” – Unknown
216. “I believe in rules. Sure, I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” -Leo Durocher
217. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
218. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” -Albert Einstein
219. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
220. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell
221. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” –Steven Wright
222. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
223. “Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.” –Unknown
224. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
225. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
226. “The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.” ― Joseph Stilwell
227. Find your patience before I lose mine.
228. I was aware of a lot of my friends being into things I wasn't into. Like sarcasm. It had never been a part of my family - they still don't use sarcasm.
229. “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” — Erma Bombeck
230. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” –James Holt McGavran
231. Flawsome: (Adj.) An individual who embraces their 'flaws' and knows they're awesome regardless.
232. “An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer
233. “Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon ’em.” — Emilie Autumn
234. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx
235. “The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” — Erma Bombeck
236. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
237. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
238. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
239. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.” –Unknown
240. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
241. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
242. Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
243. If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me. - Anonymous
244. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.” –Unknown
245. “If anything can go wrong, it will."
246. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” - Kin Hubbard
247. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” –Lawrence Ferlinghetti
248. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
249. Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.'
250. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
251. When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. - Anonymous
252. “You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.” -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
253. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Unknown
254. What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
255. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
256. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” –Unknown
257. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel. - Anonymous
258. “I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.” – Unknown
259. “A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” –Joey Adams
260. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
261. Bad decisions make good stories.
262. “Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.” ― Jack London
263. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? - Kin Hubbard
264. “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.” – Unknown
265. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Unknown
266. I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?
267. I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
268. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” – Unknown
269. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
270. The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.
271. “Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
272. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
273. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
274. If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman
275. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” — Oliver Hardy
276. “I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.” – Unknown
277. Be the reason someone smiles today... or the reason they drink. Whatever works.
278. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
279. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
280. Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
281. If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.
282. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything. - Anonymous
283. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.” – Unknown
284. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katharine Hepburn
285. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
286. What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.
287. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
288. “I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde
289. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
290. The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
291. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. - Will Rogers
292. Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
293. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
294. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.” – Unknown
295. What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.
296. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - William James
297. “The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.” — Kendall Hailey.
298. I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
299. “Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?” – Unknown
300. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. - Mitch Hedberg